Twenty Years Later: Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives
by Duwee Davis II
Summary: Twenty Years have passed since the events of my not-exactly great 'Touhou Doujin' books, and between the events of that series and 'Reimu's Successor', many a scandalous event has occurred, and it has been the solemn duty of the totally-not-gossip-mongering reporters of Gensokyo to report on these events with perfect accuracy. This is an archive of some of their work in that time.
1. Foreword by Aya Shameimaru

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Foreword by Aya Shameimaru**

Greetings, beloved readers of the Bunbunmaru Spirit News! It sure has been a while, hasn't it? I remember the very day that Hatate and I put aside our differences as if it were yesterday... what happened again? Uh... something about humans and that country in the outside world... what was its name again?

Oh yeah, that's it, Germany. Huh? Hatate, why are you typing absolutely everything I say? This thing is going to end up like that crazy lizard youkai's books if you keep that up! Yes, I know typewriters can't erase what's already been written!

Anyway, it's been twenty years since the Bunbunmaru Spirit News' first issue, which means that the collaborative efforts of Miss Himekaidou and I have reached their China Jubilee! And I... er... we figured that the best way to make more money... I mean, celebrate this magnificent milestone would be to provide you, the loyal patrons of our paper, with an archive containing the highlights of the stories we've covered throughout our twenty years of collaboration!

All of the very best stories are here! Stories of scandal, gossip, and... uh... other important stuff! As devoted providers of information, both Hatate and I have always felt it is our duty to bring this information to you, and once we joined forces, we were unstoppable!

I would also like to devote this foreword to a certain Mister Duwee Davis the second, and would like to give him a special message...

Ha! You thought you could keep me out of the books, didn't you, Mister Davis? You left me out of the Epilogue beyond an end-of-chapter note, and didn't even mention me in Reimu's Successor! Well, ha! Now I'm the star of this book! In your face, Duwee Davis!

Huh? What do you mean that's 'like, too meta'? Of course the audience won't be turned off by such flagrant breaking of the fourth wall! Anyway, for all you other readers, I hope you enjoy the very best of the stories Hatate and I have documented during our many years together.

That sounded a little gay, sorry about that, Hatate...

**Typist's Notes: **Like, this is Hatate Himekaidou, typing up Aya's super-crazy foreword! As well as this archive being a compilation, there'll, like, also be present-day commentary on the stories at the end of them, by either me or Aya, depending on who feels like providing commentary at the time!

Because we're like, so in sync and totally not former rivals, we'll, like, not bother typing 'Aya's notes' or 'Hatate's notes', because we aim to make our styles like, totally one and the same! I mean, we totally have the same vibe, right?

Oh, this archive is gonna be super! Like, totally worth the two thousand yen you spent on it! Like, all proceeds go to the 'Feed a starving journalist' fund, which is like, a very noble cause, so you can, like, feel happy that you've helped a starving journalist too!

You're so awesome! Like, pat yourself on the back, and enjoy this compilation!


	2. Irritating Male Youkai forms religion!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Irritating Male Youkai attempts to form religion!**

Yet another tragic day has struck the human village. On the twenty-fourth of December, a most heinous act was performed. Yet again, a despicable youkai has launched an attack against the human village like a bully.

Although most uncivilised youkai attack humans physically, a cowardly act indeed given the frail nature of the creatures, this youkai seemed to be bold enough to attempt an attack on one of the human animal's more fortuitous aspects: their faith.

Humans are well-known for their beliefs being highly influential in Gensokyo, and therefore, gaining faith from the creatures is a general aim of many a person, however, most attempt this through established religions, such as Shintoism, Buddhism, or Taoism. However, a mimicking youkai by the name of Dawitsu, best known in the village as an incompetent teacher, attempted the implausible by trying to force an absurd outside-world custom upon the human village, in a dastardly scheme to steal their faith from established religious authorities Reimu Hakurei, Byakuren Hijiri, and Toyosatomimi no Miko.

On the fateful night of the twenty-fourth, the villain was seen dressing up in a red and white outfit- the same colours as the Hakurei Shrine Maiden. This was most likely far from a coincidence, however, he had altered the outfit so that it was thick and fluffy, and more well-suited for the harsh winter elements. He donned a horrific false beard as white as the snow itself, most likely to encourage worship of Yuki-onna, and proceeded to do a crime most heinous... breaking and entering!

The miscreant broke into any houses of the human village that contained children, placed boxes that no doubt contained dastardly religious paraphernalia, and ate conspicuously placed food that no doubt he had indoctrinated the impressionable children in his classes to leave for him.

However, I, the intrepid Aya Shameimaru, could not simply let this corruption take place, and the next day, I confronted the admittedly handsome scoundrel and interrogated him about his reprehensible attempts to take over the human village. The following is a slightly paraphrased account of what the man said:

**Aya:** Stop, Dawitsu! What do you have to say about your activities last night? You may have thought you were unseen, but I was watching you the entire time! Explain yourself!

**Dawitsu:** You... were watching me? Okay, Aya, this is just getting creepy, I told you I didn't want you to get into the habit of following me.

**Aya:** Stop trying to change the subject! Why did you dress up like a Yuki-onna Shinto Priest and break into children's houses?

**Dawitsu:** Look, I was just pretending to be Santa Claus for the kids... I had recently taught them a little about the holiday 'Christmas'. Don't you remember going on holiday with me and a load of others to the outside world to celebrate it?

**Aya:** Ah, so you were spreading an outside-world tradition! No doubt an attempt to convert them to a religion from there!

**Dawitsu:** Huh? Converting religion? No, I just wanted to give the kids presents for doing so well in their exams, and used Santa Claus as an excuse!

**Aya:** Oh, you're smart! Feigning guilt and the cover-up of one crime to hide your true crime!

**Dawitsu:** Since when was giving children gifts a crime?

**Aya:** Don't try to deceive me! I know your evil plan! You intend to steal all the faith of the human village for yourself with your good deeds! That disguise was the likeness of the God of the outside world!

**Dawitsu:** Santa Claus has nothing to do with religion! He's a commercial character very loosely based on Saint Nicholas, he has little to nothing to do with Christianity, and that's the only religion he's vaguely associated with at all!

**Aya:** AH! So you admit that he's associated with a religion! And you wish to convert the human village to your own twisted version of this religion, making your own from the vague connection!

**Dawitsu:** Aya, for pity's sake, I just wanted to be nice to some kids!

**Aya:** LIES! HEINOUS LIES!

**Dawitsu:** And here's me thinking that we were friends...

**Aya:** You... you consider me a friend?

**Dawitsu:** Well, yeah, I dunno, we've sort of associated with each other long enough that I kinda thought we were pals. Plus, I sorta have a rapport with you Tengu, know what I'm saying?

**Aya:** Oh... you're... you're so kind...

**Dawitsu:** Now, I'll be going...

**Aya:** HOLD IT! You were just playing the friendship card to trick me into leaving you alone! That's it! I'm going to tell the whole world your dirty little secret!

**Dawitsu:** Ugh, fine. Tell everyone. What's the headline gonna be? 'Youkai Mimicker gives presents to human children, he must be hanged'?

**Aya:** We all know those weren't really presents! They were religious items that give faith to your twisted cult of evil!

**Dawitsu:** Just leave me alone... oh, and if you dare put any words in my mouth when you type up this interview, I'll personally go up to your house and destroy your press. Again. Oh, by the way, you're looking particularly ravishing and I want you to have my mimicking parrot tengu babies...

As you can see, the man is clearly both infatuated with this intrepid reporter and is also heading an evil fourth religion, and so I rejected his strong advances nobly and am now bringing this article of vital importance.

It is imperative that if you are a human, and you are reading this, that you do not convert to this youkai's religion, as his nefarious schemes are no doubt damaging to Gensokyo as a whole, and not in any way altruistic or kind-hearted.

This is Pure and Honest Shameimaru, looking out for weak and confused humans everywhere for the good of Gensokyo. There's no need to thank me, it's my civilian duty...

_Article written by Aya Shameimaru._

**Present-day hindsight: **Like, Aya was really excited about this article when she told me about it, and she, like, totally insisted on typing it up and everything. I like, totally felt like a third wheel, it was, like, a nightmare!

Alls I did was sit there while she typed away on the typewriter and got all worked up! She, like, turned red for some reason towards the end, like she was fantasising about something, but, like, I can't imagine what...

...although, I think she may have, like, slightly exaggerated some of the story. I mean, like, that tengu mimicker guy totally wouldn't go for Aya. It's obvious that if he was into tengu, he'd go for me, 'cos I'm, like, so much prettier than her. Not that I'm into him, I'm just, like, being realistic. I mean, I have twin-tails and long socks and everything! I am the definition of cute, while Aya's the definition of tacky.

Not that, we like, argue. Honestly, we're like, the best of friends, really!


	3. Hot Local Singles looking for love!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Hot Local Singles looking for love!**

Like, lonely? Are you looking for that special someone in your life? Is your cripplingly non-existent love life crushing you with its continued non-existence? Are you, like, suicidal from your inability to keep with a person who can stand to be with you for like, twenty seconds? Well, like, never fear, because, there are, like, so many hot people who are, like, looking for love in your area!

Like, these super-detailed profiles will, like, show the age, gender, species, sexuality, and appearance of our eligible bachelorettes and possibly even some bachelors! They have, like, also sent our love experts a profile showing what they're looking for in their man or woman! It's, like, so simple! And, like, at the bottom of the profile, there's a little codified message associated with them! This is, like, what needs to be sent to the Love Fairy's house (that's, like, Hatate Himekaidou's house) along with two hundred yen for the Love Fairy to arrange a date for you and the lucky gal or guy!

So, like, here are the super-awesome profiles!

**Fujiwara no Mokou**

**Age:** I forget how old I am... I don't know, somewhere in the thousands, maybe?

**Gender: **Female

**Species: **Eternally living human

**Sexuality: **Um... I've had about fifty lesbian phases and seventy bi-curious phases... uh... so, perhaps I'm bisexual? I'm not really sure.

**Appearance: **Pale skinned, with pale, long hair, and a tendency to wear trousers held up by suspenders. My clothes may have a few burns on them. I tend to have a lot of accidents... fire-fighting.

**Profile: **I'm only doing this because an annoying tengu came up to me speaking in an irritating valley girl tone and said that she was 'the Love Fairy' and that she'd help me find love. She wouldn't take no for an answer, so here I am.

I guess I'd prefer a youkai, given I tend to outlive any humans that I date. Then again, after living through so many generations of humans, I guess I've stopped wanting a serious relationship. Hey, anyone want a casual fling? Ooh, I've never had an affair with someone before... hey, any married guys too ungrateful to appreciate that they get to die with a woman who'll also die? Then why not cheat on her with me?

I promise the guilt won't haunt you _forever_, because unlike me, you actually get to die. You're all lucky. You know what, my life sucks. Yet here I am. Still living. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

**Super-special Love Fairy Code: **1800-KILL-ME-WITH-FIRE

**Cirno**

**Age: **I can't count past one hundred... and I think... I think... I think I'm... eleventy one. Yeah! Of course I'm eleventy one! I know I am, because I'm a genius!

**Gender: **What's a gender? Whether I'm a boy or a girl? Well, I'm a girl, obviously! This test is easy!

**Species: **The strongest fairy of them all!

**Sexuality: **That's a long word... what does it mean? What I like? Well... I like freezing frogs, I guess...

**Appearance: **I have icy wings and blue hair! I look really pretty, because I win everything in the fairy community, even the beauty contests! I also like wearing blue, because it's like a deep blue glacier!

**Profile: **I am the strongest fairy of them all! I freeze any fools that get in my way, and am the coolest fairy of them all too! In fact, I'm the strongest, smartest, manliest, most feminine, and prettiest fairy in all of Gensokyo!

Now... what's this thing for again? Dating? Huh? The tengu never told me that! I don't like yucky stuff like that! It sucks that I have to read tiny writing about this stuff...

**Super-special Love Fairy Code: **1800-IM-THE-STRONGEST

**Tokage Reiketsu**

**Age: **Two hundred and fifty nine and two days! It was my birthday the day before yesterday!

**Gender: **Female

**Species: **Lizard Youkai

**Sexuality: **I don't care whether it's a guy or a girl, both are hot for different reasons! In fact, could a guy _and _a girl date me, so I can keep my options open?

**Appearance: **I have boisterous, untameable hair that flows from my crown with an ethereal shimmer, its verdant hue filling the air with life and vibrancy. My fair complexion belies a pure heart of purity, and although I require spectacles, my face is pulchritudinous enough that the objects of visual correction only make my beautiful face even more ethereal. My body is a perfectly formed temple of sensuality, and will bring pleasure to anyone blessed with the mere sight of it, and I am most proficient at making love with my felicitous future partner.

**Profile: **Greetings! I am famed Mayohigan writer, Tokage Reiketsu! You probably know me better as the writer of the classic romance novel, the Forbidden Love of Yukari Yakumo! On top of my naturally self-demonstrating talents, I'm also a brilliant lover, and have been on many romantic escapades which I have some vague proof that shows that my former lovers adored me.

Of course, I broke up with them, because no-one would ever want to dump me. I've been with too many untrue loves, and I'm looking for the one... my true love. You'll know if you're my true love by possessing these traits.

If you're a man: A chiselled body carved by the angels, raven hair that flows in the evening wind, a square, masculine jaw of virility, and you should never wear a shirt and cover yourself in oil daily.

If you're a woman: You should have a perfect, curvaceous body and a pale, ethereal face. Your cup size has to at least be C or I won't date you. Dress code is strictly cleavage-revealing at all times, and your skirt must not reach your knees. Thigh-high socks are preferred, but not mandatory, because I'm a nice girl who doesn't demand a lot.

Anyway, if you meet those specifications, I look forward to dating you!

**Super-special Love Fairy Code: **1800-TRUE-LOVE-FOR-YOU

**Hebiko**

**Age: **Um... two hundred and thirty seven. I know... I'm too young for this crap...

**Gender: **Female

**Species: **Lizard Youkai

**Sexuality: **I know it's kinda stupid, given the demographic, but... I like men...

**Appearance: **I... haven't had a haircut in while, and I don't like combing my hair because it hurts too much... so it's kinda knotted. It's kinda reddish, I guess... um... you... probably wouldn't like my eyes much, so... so they're hidden... and... uh... I... I dress in red too... but... not one of those nice red dresses, just... you know, a red shirt... my skirt's kinda dirty... it's... it's not that I don't wash it, it's just... it's the only one I have, and some stains just won't go... sorry if I'm not pretty...

**Profile: **I... just wanted to see if this would work. I'm... I'm not desperate. Honestly, I'm not. I'm just... testing this service. I'm curious about whether it'll work, I guess. Anyway, I should probably say some thing about myself.

I'm... I'm a young lizard youkai who would like a good man... I don't really care what species he is, as long as he is fairly long-lived, because I want to adopt a child with that special someone someday... so, I'm sorry, I'm not into humans. I guess humans wouldn't be into me either, I mean, I have that lizard tail dangling around and everything...

So, yes... I guess that's all I want. A man who'll care for me and be willing to care for a child. However... I'm... sort of... infertile, so if you're a man who wants a child that's... you know... um... really yours, I... I can't... I can't... do that for you. Sorry.

**Super-special Love Fairy Code: **1800-I-AM-JUST-TESTING

**Nue Houjuu**

**Age: **Old enough to know what guys like and young enough to look great...

**Gender: **Whatever you want...

**Species: **Nue, but that's just a technicality. What are you into?

**Sexuality: **I'll try anyone once.

**Appearance: **Appearance, schmappearance. I'm whatever you want... I'm a shapeshifter. So, what do you like? I'll be anything for a good guy... or gal, for that matter.

**Profile: **You probably know me by many names. The Chimera... an alien... an unidentified flying object... I'm a very accomplished actress and can be whoever you want me to be. Really, I'm only here because I figured I could at least benefit from advertising my... services.

Most people don't even know it's me. You never know, you might have got with me before. There's no way you would know. I like to pretend to be people's girlfriends every now and then... did your timid girlfriend recently become... something else in bed? It was me, I guarantee it.

As you might have guessed, I'm only after a little casual 'love'. Also, if you're the kind of person who likes to prank others, then I guess we could become long-term friends... maybe friends with benefits? Then we can have fun pranking others together! Also... if... you happen to be another Nue, then... then I would actually like a long-term relationship, because I don't know if there are other Nues out there...

Because the wonderful, wonderful thing about Nues is... at the moment... I'm the only one...

...come to think of it, that isn't so wonderful...

**Super-special Love Fairy Code: **1800-MY-SEDUCTIVE-NUE

**Koakuma**

**Age: **I don't bother counting any more...

**Gender: **Female

**Species: **Devil

**Sexuality: **Straight

**Appearance: **Well... I have reddish hair, it's rather long and straight, and I like to wear black. Um... just so you're aware, I also have bat wings, just a heads-up.

**Profile: **I'd... like a nice guy who has short hair... preferably pale and blondish... with a fairly broad set of shoulders... that's human... and wears glasses... and... owns an antique store... called Kourindou.

Um... yeah. I'd just like that. I'm pretty sure there's _someone_ in Gensokyo that fits that definition, but I can't think of who that person could be...

...oh well, I'm sure if that person is around, they'll contact me when they see this, rather than staying with an undeserving human girlfriend that they most likely have...

**Super-special Love Fairy Code: **1800-YOU-KNOW-WHO-YOU-R

That's, like, all there is for today, but, like, if more people sign up to this super-awesome service, I'll, like, have to add them to the list and make more advertisements for them! I just, like, know this service is gonna be totally popular and become the number one dating service in Gensokyo... well, like, the only one, but still!

Like, remember, potential cuties, like, if you're interested in any of these super-desirable, super-hot bachelorettes, like, send a letter with the corresponding code to Hatate Himekaidou's house, and I'll, like, totally give the code to the Love Fairy that, like, happens to live with me! Then she'll sort everything out and you two can, like, totally live happily ever after!

See ya later!

**Present-day hindsight: **Ugh, Hatate just _had _to include this garbage in the archive. It's an advert, for pity's sake! This isn't a good story, it's just... it's just... worthless! I mean, what's the point in these things, anyway? Newspapers aren't there to help people with their silly problems, they're there to reveal people's problems and scandals!

But yeah, I guess I let Hatate put this in the archive to humour her... sorry about the mess, just... skip past this page or something.


	4. Werewolves found living under rocks!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Werewolves found living under rocks in Bamboo Forest of the Lost!**

Gensokyo is famed for its diverse array of youkai, with many different types of Youkai coexisting with each other, even coexisting with the likes of humans. And while many types have been documented, a bizarre species of youkai thought to only exist in the western countries of the outside world has recently been discovered lurking within the Bamboo Forest of the Lost- the werewolf.

It is unknown how they have managed to exist undetected by the great information gatherers of Gensokyo, that is, we tengu, for so long, however, the current theory is that they have, in fact, been living under rocks.

This is based on clear evidence that nothing evades the tengu scope of information gathering beyond things that live under rocks, and similarly, anything that lives under rocks have not heard of us.

Upon hearing of the news that such a mysterious creature existed, this intrepid reporter set off to interview one of these so-called 'werewolves' so as to find out a little information about how they had evaded our attention for so long, and why it is only now that they have decided to bravely face the surface world. The transcript of the interview was as follows...

**Aya: **Hello. Me outsider. Me friendly. Me no harm you. I want ask you questions...

**Kagerou: **Oh, it's one of those Tengu things...

**Aya: **Huh? You've heard of us?

**Kagerou: **Well, of course I have. What made you think that we haven't?

**Aya: **Well, it's just that we tengu were unaware of your existence for a while, so I figured that the werewolves must have been a special underground tribe sealed from the rest of the world...

**Kagerou: **So, that's why you were talking to me like I was slow in the mind...

**Aya: **Well, I didn't want to overwhelm you with the complex speech that civilised people like us use.

**Kagerou: **Are you implying something?

**Aya: **Of course not.

**Kagerou: **I kinda think you are.

**Aya: **Honestly, I'm not. So, what's your name? Your primitive tribe gives names to their offspring, right?

**Kagerou: **Look, it's sounding like you think we werewolves are stupid or something...

**Aya: **Your name, please.

**Kagerou: **Kagerou Imaizumi. Now, tell me, do you think we're stupid?

**Aya: **I'm just taking into account the fact your tribe has spent ages hidden from society, and a great many discoveries have happened since then! I guess you could consider yourself the latest of these!

**Kagerou: **What makes you think that we haven't observed the world?

**Aya: **Well, if you had, we tengu would know about it, obviously...

**Kagerou: **You know, some people observe the world _without _blabbing about it to everyone they can find. Some people actually value stealth.

**Aya: **Observing the world without telling everyone? This is a totally unheard of practice! Most interesting, do tell!

**Kagerou: **Okay, I know it's difficult for you, but listen carefully. I... open my eyes.

**Aya: **Open... eyes... got it!

**Kagerou: **I then look at aspects of the world, and let my brain process them...

**Aya: **With you so far...

**Kagerou: **Then I return home, and keep my mouth shut for the whole time.

**Aya: **The whole time? But what if you find a scoop?

**Kagerou: **I don't care about gossip.

**Aya: **Don't care about gossip? What a backwards tribeswoman you are...

**Kagerou: **You're an idiot.

**Aya: **And so savage, too! Verbally assaulting an innocent civilian reporter! My goodness, what a scary tribe indeed!

**Kagerou: **Just leave here already, you're clearly not going to learn anything from me.

**Aya: **On the contrary, I've learnt a great many things about you! This whole exchange will be typed up in what we civilised people call a 'newspaper'. Can you read?

**Kagerou: **Leave before I bite you.

**Aya: **Oh my, how dangerous! Very well, noble tribal warrior!

As one can see, the werewolf culture is so very backwards that we civilised people cannot begin to understand it. It seems to have attained an understanding far greater than any modern youkai could possibly grasp, yet seemingly has sacrificed politeness in order to attain such knowledge.

While most reporters would give up on trying to gain a little understanding of these strange creatures based on their savage nature, this determined journalist is not one of these people, and expanded her search of information to members of species that have had histories with werewolves: vampires and western breeds of human.

And so, I visited the Scarlet Devil Mansion to ask Miss Remilia Scarlet and her maid, Miss Sakuya Izayoi, about the nature of these primitive creatures. Upon asking Miss Scarlet about them, she is quoted as saying, "Those ugly fur-bags don't deserve the title of 'creature of the night'. A bunch of uncontrolled, hairy brutes, the lot of them. The fact their blood is poisonous is such a hassle, because we can't just kill them while they're weak, that is, all the time. Also, a bunch of them became the only remotely competent vampire slayers in the west. I can't remember what they called that guild... the Illuminati, was it?"

From this, I could gather that the werewolves do have, at the very least, a strong sense of community, and have a fierce rivalry with the vampires, or at the very least, that vampires have a hatred for them. Their blood is poisonous to vampires, just like other youkai, and they are, as expected, savage beasts, although they do apparently have weak phases, just like vampires.

I then decided to take the human maid of Remilia Scarlet, Sakuya Izayoi, aside to ask her about werewolves. She claimed to be capable of slaying both vampires and werewolves, and was once a neutral party in the conflict, who worked for whichever side paid her the most. In the end, the vampires bid highest, and she is thus a loyal servant of Remilia due to her considerable offer of 'a permanent roof over her head'. She claimed that werewolves are weak to silver, and thus, all of her knives are made of a silver-containing steel alloy. They are also apparently weak to wolfsbane, a blue perennial flower used as a herbal aphrodisiac by humans. Although werewolves are weak to any dosage, humans can still be killed by large amounts of wolfsbane, so perhaps this isn't a particular weakness of the werewolf.

Overall, while the werewolf is still mostly a mystery to the tengu community, this intrepid reporter's attempts to uncover information have proved somewhat fruitful, and continual updates upon the state of Gensokyo's youkai diversity will be provided by the Bunbunmaru Spirit News.

_Article written by Aya Shameimaru_

**Present-day hindsight: **Like, this was so exciting back in the day! Like, now we know so much more about those super-scary werewolves, but back then it was like a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in, like... like... something unknown!

Aya is, like, so good at journalism, I can't help but, like, be a little jealous, you know what I'm saying?

Oh well, like, there are plenty of cool articles that I totally did research for myself in this archive, so, like, I guess I'm not too bad at it myself...


	5. Sky Goddess hosts Science Fair!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Sky Goddess of the Mountain hosts Science Fair!**

Yesterday, the great lake of the Youkai Mountain like, totally sprung with fabulousness! The reason why is that the benevolent Sky Goddess, Kanako Yasaka, totally hosted what she claims the outside world would call a 'Science Fair'.

This totally weird practice involves people engaging in a practice called 'science', which is, according to my spirit photography skills, 'the intellectual and practical activity encompassing the systematic study of the structure and behaviour of the physical and natural world through observation and experiment'.

Like, I didn't know what that meant, though, so I decided that I had to go out and take a look at this 'Science Fair' to find out more about this strange practice myself. There, I was, like, surprised to see that many youkai had taken part in this event, and they had, like, totally made some amazing entries to this competition in which the winner was totally declared the Queen of Science!

I, like, totally documented every single entry for your reading pleasure in case you missed this super-awesome event, because I know that it's, like, difficult for you guys that don't have spirit photography...

The first entry I came across was, like, a huge machine! It was built by a human engineer called Rika, an adorable girl with super-cute braids and a super-cool fashion sense! She, like, called her massive machine 'Evil Eye Omega', and said it was an 'upgrade from an old design'. It was, like, a big eye that flew, shot lasers, and was capable of firing danmaku, just like a real youkai! It, like, reminded me of a creepy Youkai I once saw when I tried to visit Makai to gather photographs, although, that thing had five eyes, not one... but even though it was creepy, the machine was still super awesome! She even let me drive it... sure, she kicked me out after I nearly drove it into a tree, but it was still super fun!

After that, I looked at an exhibit made by another human, one called Rikako Asakura. This girl said that she considers my ability to fly merely an undiscovered facet of science, rather than simply being a power blessed unto we youkai. She was, like, super-hostile when I suggested this to her, saying that science is the ultimate form of understanding, and said that her exhibit proved that.

Her exhibit was a super-lame machine which she called the 'Retroactive Space-time Distortion Device'. She claimed that the device was able to warp reality itself! However, it just looked like... like... a hunk of metal with some purple glowing stuff inside it and buttons on the side! It was, like, totally disappointing. And then, after all her talk, I asked her to show me what was so special about it, and she, like, said that she couldn't because she fears she changed something big last time she activated it... like, what could have happened? Her changing the events of the past, memories, and hair colour or something! Ha, don't make me laugh!

Oops, I, like, got carried away there. But yeah, she was like, super-rude, and her device was terrible! So after I got bored with her stupid machine, I decided to see the favourite to win, a device to create fertiliser created by renowned kappa engineer, Nitori Kawashiro! She was, like, really excited about this- she explained everything in a super-detailed way, and showed us each step!

First, she did what scientists call 'Electrolysis'. This is where she sticks these metal rods in water, and they, like, somehow make it bubble this special gas called 'Hydrogen', as well as another gas called 'Oxygen', which we, like, use to breath. Nitori then took the Hydrogen and put it in this empty metal chamber that she said had to use to increase something called 'pressure', and then started to burn stuff under the chamber to heat it up.

Then, we waited, and like, after a while, she used a tap at the bottom of the chamber that, like, let out a liquid that wasn't there before! She then put the liquid in a glass and called it ammonia! It was super cool! She told me that she would be using the ammonia to fertilise her cucumber crop, and that with the stuff, she could grow twelve-inch monstrosities! Twelve inches! That's, like, enough to... never mind, I like, can't make that joke, kids might be reading this.

But yeah, there was even more super-cool science things than that, including an entry by a girl that... for some reason I can't quite remember, like... I don't even remember her hair colour. I, like wrote down what her exhibit was on... it was on the nature of the subconscious mind, but, like... I can't remember what the girl looked like, or even her name... I wonder why.

There was also a super-boring half-phantom called 'Point-five Reciprocal' who's apparently part of some band, but I couldn't remember seeing her around, and the only band with half-phantoms I know is that one headed by Youmu Konpaku. Anyway, this imposter band member was, like, rambling on about how numbers determine the nature of the universe, planks, avocados, Fridays, riding icebergs, and other stupid stuff. She was, like, totally weird. She talked and talked, like she hadn't talked for a while or something. Weirdo.

However, there was, like, some cheaters in the Science Fair, because apparently, their entries weren't science! I, like, didn't know what that meant, but, like, I decided to check out these disqualified entries to see if I could find out a little more about the difference between science and non-science.

One of these was a karakasa by the name of Kogasa Tatara. She, like, entered what she called an 'adrenaline enhancement device'. When she showed me how it worked, it was just a box that played music and then, like, suddenly stopped and this thing popped out of it and gave me a little electric shock! I don't know how on earth that could have been considered science, but I admittedly was surprised to see her at the Science Fair... she's, like, getting better.

Another disqualified entry was the act of reanimating a corpse with electricity. Like, this creepy Taoist Hermit named Seiga Kaku claimed to bring a corpse back to life using a pair of these fancy things called electrodes, which looked like bigger versions of the Hydrogen-making sticks Nitori had used, so, like, clearly the issue was plagiarism. Miss Kaku did succeed in bringing the girl back to life, who said her name was Yoshika Miyako. However, after doing a little research, I found out that Yoshika was, like, not a corpse that whole time- she was, like pretending to be one, because she's a Jiang Shi! So, like, Seiga was probably disqualified for plagiarism and lying... like, doesn't that girl have standards?

The last disqualified entry I saw was one by a young magician youkai called 'Yutaka Hadekawa', who always smiles, it's kinda creepy. She, like, never opened her eyes once, I swear! Oh, like, the entry was pretty cool, though. She asked me to burn some grass with danmaku, and then give the ashes to her. When I did, she, like, turned the ashes into a diamond! It was, like, amazing! She even let me keep the diamond, so she must, like, see it as no big deal!

Anyway, I was, like, not sure why she was disqualified, but Yutaka herself said that they probably saw her act as a form of alchemy rather than science, and didn't seem so down about it. My spirit photography says that alchemy is 'the medieval forerunner of chemistry, based on the supposed transformation of matter, especially that of base metals into gold'. So, like, cool stuff that gets you more money isn't counted as science? I think that's, like, totally unfair!

In the end, like, Nitori Kawashiro won because her invention could, according to Kanako, revolutionise agriculture as we know it, and that, like, with her help and co-operation with the super-powerful sun-crow in the underground, we could, like, create a future of science! I... don't know what a future of science is like, but the way Kanako talked about it makes it seem real neat and stuff!

However, the prize, that is, a hyper-rare talisman said to bring great faith to the owner, was, like, stolen by the disqualified entrant, Miss Seiga Kaku. However, like, Kanako said that the object was what the outside world calls a 'placebo', and that, like, the crowds would still place more faith in Nitori, because she was the rightful winner. I guess placebos must be, like, part-sentient relics that know right and wrong! That's, like, so cool!

Anyway, the Science Fair was super-fun, and I hope that anyone unlucky enough to miss it at least enjoyed this article, because, like, it was a total blast writing it! This is your friendly neighbourhood cutie-pie, Hatate Himekaidou, saying goodbye for now!

_Article written by Hatate Himekaidou_

**Present-day hindsight: **Hatate can't write an article... you need a certain professional style whenever you write up your findings, and she... just doesn't bother with a style. She just types it up in the same style as that annoying voice of hers.

Well, it's not that I have a problem with this being in the archives, it's just... there are certain articles that are better than this that deserve to be featured _over_ this. The fact that they happen to be written by me is mere happen-stance.

But I guess I'm glad she actually went out to cover the story. At the time I was... er... busy grieving a very close friend of mine by the name of Kenny the third... he had sadly passed away thanks to that mimicker youkai throwing a tantrum because I slightly exaggerated his obvious attraction to me...

Anyway, back then, I was so distraught that I couldn't go out and gather information. Hatate even had to ask Momiji if she could borrow her printing facilities. I guess she works hard, even if she is no good at writing articles.


	6. Child of Miare celebrates birthday!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Child of Miare celebrates eleventh birthday!**

The humans of the human village are a pitiable folk, surrounded at all angles by uncultured savages, youkai wishing to terrorise the creatures for one reason or another, I suppose for the same reason a human may kick a creature below them, like a non-youkai dog.

These short-lived, unfortunate creatures rarely have anything to pride themselves in, but their ability to gather information and retain it despite their minute lifespan is something rather incredible indeed. Of course, they are not quite as skilled as the tengu at this documentation, but they have impressed all intellectually-inclined youkai with their academia, nonetheless.

One of the main figures behind their success against the odds is a mere child, even by human standards, of only eleven years of age. Her name is Hieda no Akyuu, an adorable little upstart who has the unique ability to remember the memories of former humans that have died, namely the former Children of Miare.

It is unknown if the title of 'Child of Miare' is arbitrarily chosen, or if it is due to some kind of reincarnation, but, however the humans manage it, they make sure that once one Child of Miare dies, another is born. Their memories are somehow transferred from one human to the other, effectively giving the Child of Miare a pool of experience similar to that of a youkai, with the retention and sharpness gained from being the mind of a short-lived animal.

Anyway, yesterday, the current Child of Miare, Hieda no Akyuu, celebrated her eleventh birthday, making her the first Child of Miare in history to outlive her predecessor, which the human village consider to be an omen of good things to come. This may mean that slow news times are ahead, if they are correct...

Regardless, I was overjoyed to see that the adorable Miss Hieda was alive and well when she was thrown a parade in her honour. She seemed a little overwhelmed by the whole spectacle, and I couldn't help but assume that was the case, given she looks like but an easily overwhelmed child, but then I remembered that her mental age is far greater than that...

Many important members of the human village paid individual respects and gave gifts to the child, including Miss Keine Kamishirasawa, who gave her some kind of special liquid encased in a bottle, most likely not alcoholic due to the young nature of her body. She was heard whispering something to her, but it seemed to amount to no more than a 'thank you' for providing her school with so much information.

The children of the human village also sang her a song in her honour... the strangest part being that, of course, the girl looked around the same age as the children that were addressing and treating her as a superior. The other two youkai teachers of the human village the religious fanatic, Dawitsu and his assistant, Yutaka Hadekawa, each gave a gift themselves, the former most likely apologising for attempting to take over the village. Miss Hadekawa provided young Akyuu with some kind of book relating to her unique sorcery, while Mister Dawitsu had baked her a cake, and even lit candles upon it in her honour. He began to sing what was most likely an unholy chant, but the villagers were wise to his deceit and did not join him in song.

Once the festivities were for the most part over, I decided to ask her about how she felt to be the luckiest Child of Miare in history. This is how the interview went...

**Aya: **Greetings, Miss Hieda! Congratulations on not dying before your eleventh birthday!

**Akyuu: **I'll... try to take that as a compliment.

**Aya: **Oh, did I say something rude?

**Akyuu: **Well, it's just mentioning my predecessors' short lives, and what that means to me... well, it's just a little impolite to bring death up in such festivities...

**Aya: **But that's why we're celebrating, right? Because for eleven years now, your death has been avoided! Why would you be afraid of death anyway? You still keep your memories, just keep them in a different body, right?

**Akyuu: **Well, it isn't quite that simple... see, I may keep my predecessors' memories, but my personality changes with each body... and I like this personality!

**Aya: **Is that so? Well, I think anyone would find it difficult to dislike oneself. I'm sure you'll like your next body's personality too...

**Akyuu: **What's making you so eager to see me die, tengu?

**Aya: **No! No, no! I didn't mean it in that way!

**Akyuu: **Well, it sure seems that way. Do you have any idea what it's like? Most humans only start seeing their birthdays as commemoration of their approaching death when their hair starts going grey! I've seen it as that for all my life!

**Aya: **Miss Hieda, I didn't mean to upset you...

**Akyuu: **What did you mean to do, then?

**Aya: **I wanted to ask you how much you enjoyed the festivities! Does it feel good to be honoured?

**Akyuu: **I appreciate everyone's efforts, but I actually prefer to not think about my birthdays. My days are eternal, yet they are always numbered. It's strange... we humans don't have minds that naturally cope with such long lives. That's why I feel sorry for Miss Fujiwara. The sages say that the world will eventually crumble, and there'll be nothing but a void that can never allow life... I will stop reincarnating then. Miss Fujiwara will just keep regenerating. I rather like my vast experience, but I'd also like it to end permanently at some point. I'll be able to get that, but Miss Fujiwara... will not.

**Aya: **Oh my, an information gatherer _and _a philosopher! You are a skilled human, aren't you? Let it be said that you are always welcome with us tengu.

**Akyuu: **There's no need to kiss my ass just because you accidentally insulted me with your insipidity...

**Aya: **Insipidity? Cheeky girl!

**Akyuu: **Remember, this is only my body. I've been a girl or a boy for many a year... not as long as you, but do not talk down to me.

**Aya: **Sorry, Miss Hieda!

**Akyuu: **There you are again, butt-kissing...

**Aya: **It's quite disturbing to see such... mature dialogue coming from such a young mouth. Uh... a change of subject is in order, I think! What gifts did the three teachers of the village give you, and why?

**Akyuu: **Well, Miss Kamishirasawa and I, we go way back, since my first body. That body was a boy's one, not a girl's...

**Aya: **Ooh, I forgot about that! What's it like knowing what it's like to be both a boy and a girl?

**Akyuu: **None of my bodies have been fortunate enough to go through puberty and experience any real difference. Anyway, before you so rudely interrupted me, I was talking about Miss Kamishirasawa and I. When I was a boy, the first Child of Miare, I made sure that I wrote down my favourite drink down in the Gensokyo Chronicle so that I'd never forget it...

**Aya: **And what was it?

**Akyuu: **Salted sakura tea, made from edible cherry blossoms. I positively love the stuff, and Keine... Keine went above and beyond getting her gift for me...

**Aya: **What's so special about that? Anyone can collect cherry petals and make them into a tea. She didn't even give you that much!

**Akyuu: **You're so rude. It's special because Keine collected the sakura petals necessary for that tea from the Saigyou Ayakashi itself. Youkai Trees are said to make the strongest flavoured flowers, and as far as I know, the Saigyou Ayakashi is the only Youkai Cherry Tree in all of Gensokyo. It never blooms, so they say, but apparently the Ghost Princess, Miss Saigyouji, kept some of the petals from a time it nearly bloomed... Keine had to beg and beg to make her give her some... she's probably indebted to her in an unimaginable way. This tea is the most valuable present I could ever ask for...

**Aya: **Now I feel like a jerk...

**Akyuu: **And so you should...

**Aya: **Um... so... what did the other teachers give you?

**Akyuu: **Hmm... that creepy magician girl with the smiley face gave me a set of small books she calls 'scientific journals'. The first entry is one written by a human named 'Robert Oerter'... they seem confusing, but apparently she wants to contribute something to the enlightenment of the human village, so I guess she means well enough, especially given she's a youkai.

**Aya: **I'm a youkai too, you know!

**Akyuu: **Given how you've acted, I think you can forgive me for being a little callous. You're probably going to ask me what that strange mimicking youkai gave me, aren't you?

**Aya: **Well, I know it was a cake... why did he light candles on top of it, though? I can understand lighting candles in your honour, but why do that on top of your food?

**Akyuu: **I don't know. But the cake was nice. I haven't eaten it all yet, but it tastes like... sugar cane and... cream. He's a nice man, but very weird, just like his smiley friend...

**Aya: **Ah, and what was the unholy chant he was going to sing?

**Akyuu: **'Happy Birthday to you'. No-one in the village knew the lyrics...

**Aya: **You mean... he wasn't trying to use the celebrations to promote his twisted religion?

**Akyuu: **He has a religion?

**Aya: **You live in the village, how could you not have noticed?

**Akyuu: **I'm afraid I haven't noticed anything. I'll ask him about it... so, anything else you want to say that could unintentionally insult me?

**Aya: **Um... I get the feeling you want me to leave...

**Akyuu: **I do. Goodbye, tengu.

**Aya: **Um... okay. Goodbye, Miss Hieda. I hope the rest of your birthday will be fun... let's toast to a long... life...

**Akyuu: **Okay, just go.

I can only assume Miss Hieda no Akyuu _did _enjoy the festivities, and secretly enjoyed receiving gifts for her uncharacteristically long life, and I honestly wish her all the best in remaining the humans' lead collector of information.

We tengu pride those who love knowledge, and therefore, of all the humans in the village, we are most proud of Hieda no Akyuu. If you're reading this, Miss Hieda, please accept my most sincere apologies, as I only wish to be respectful to you.

_Article written by Aya Shameimaru_

**Present-day hindsight: **Like, this was totally funny, like, Aya must have felt super-goofy! I'm, like, surprised she truthfully typed up her interview like that. I guess she wanted to be truthful because she wanted Miss Hieda to read it, and she'd be, like, super angry with Aya if she found out she had misrepresented her.

And I, like, think she honestly wanted to apologise... like, guess there's a first time for everything, huh?


	7. Subconscious Scientist actually Satori!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Mysterious Scientist of the Subconscious confirmed to be wandering Satori!**

Like, this is Hatate Himekaidou, and, like, you'll remember that in, like, last week's issue, I wrote an article about a super-cool science fair with lots of awesome exhibits. However, there was one scientist who I, like, didn't remember at all, the one which was giving a presentation on the subconscious mind. All I remembered of her was that she was mondo weird and like, totally forgettable!

Anyway, I ended up having a totally super brain-wave a while later, and, like, thought... there's a story in this! Like, if I, a tengu who prides herself on having a good memory, could forget her, then probably lots of people forget her!

I, like, decided to consult an informant of mine on who could possibly make herself so forgettable that people don't remember her at all when you look away, Miss Byakuren Hijiri, and she was all, like, vague about her...

...she said her name was Koishi Komeiji, a Satori of all creatures, and that she was, like, close to enlightenment! She seemed, like, super impressed with her, but I, like, didn't know why, or how she was able to remember her...

All she said to answer that question was that the closer you are to enlightenment, the more likely you are to remember the mysterious satori. Apparently children also find remembering her easier, so I decided to ask some human children in the village about her...

They, like, all said the same things... adults can't see her, that they think she's an imaginary friend... she's, like, nice to the children, and plays cute games like patty-cake with the girls and kisses the boys to make them happy...

However, there was, like, something that bothered me... like, how was a Satori walking around outside of the Underground, and, like, why? In the end, the only conclusion I could come to was that like, she was getting away with it because she was getting forgotten by everyone who saw her. She must be, like, super-clever to trick us like that... although, whenever I asked any of the children if she read their minds, they, like, said that she didn't. They also said that she had weird veins around her, but they were, like, purple, as if they were dead and had no blood flowing through them...

...I have come to the conclusion that the reason she is, like, so easily forgotten is that she, like, injured her third eye. I think her third eye doesn't work, and so, she like, can't remember anything as well as not being remembered... but... then... like... how did she make the presentation? I don't, like, understand...

Also, like, I remembered the name 'Koishi Komeiji' from somewhere else... like... it was strange, but it was from a super-raunchy guilty pleasure of mine... a book called 'the Forbidden Love of Yukari Yakumo'. Like, one of the reviews of the book was by a Miss Koishi Komeiji, and it was at the time when a super-handsome human named Jean Franc Levoisier was typing for it! So, like, I figured, if he could remember her name, perhaps he could, like, know more about her and give a unique adult human viewpoint on the runaway satori... and probably speak in a less confusing way than Byakuren.

So, like, I totally dragged him to my house, and we, like, had coffee and biscuits, and then we got to talking about Koishi. This is, like, what he said to me...

**Jean: **Miss... er... Himekaidou, is it? I appreciate your kindness and your feeding of me, but I was perfectly happy assisting Miss Hijiri in the Temple of the Myouren, what is your purpose for taking me to your house?

**Hatate: **I'm like, here to seduce you!

**Jean: **Sacrebleu! No! I am not interested in youkai women!

**Hatate: **Like, I'm just kidding, silly! I'm here to ask you about a very special youkai, one which you might have seen when typing for a certain... lizard youkai?

**Jean: **Which lizard woman? The kind one or the mentally disturbed one?

**Hatate: **The one with the green hair.

**Jean: **Ah, the one that always calls me Michel... Miss Himekaidou, I do not wish to revisit those memories, they were most disturbing...

**Hatate: **Like, don't worry! I'm not, like, gonna talk about how you were most likely raped by that crazy girl...

**Jean: **I WAS NOT RAPED!

**Hatate: **Like, denial, it's always the first stage in trauma. Anyway, I'm, like, here to talk to you about Miss Koishi Komeiji, a mysterious satori girl...

**Jean: **Ah, yes. The young-looking girl with the veins around her? She is in the book that the mimicking youkai gave to me for...

**Hatate: **Like, she's in other documents too? Like, is that how you remembered her?

**Jean: **Um... am I not supposed to remember her?

**Hatate: **Like, most people who see her forget who she is once they turn around... it's, like, really weird. So... you, like, remember her?

**Jean: **Well... er... yes. She has the light green hair, yellow and green clothing, and she appears out of nowhere, staring through you with her strange eyes... she often appears at the Myouren Temple...

**Hatate: **Oh, so she's, like, a Buddhist... Byakuren said she's, like, close to enlightenment.

**Jean: **I... don't know about that. She mostly skips around the area with a smile on her face. She kissed me once, for no reason at all. While she is without troubles, I would not say that she is... how you say... enlightened...

**Hatate: **Oh, and, like, Byakuren said that only children and people close to enlightenment can remember her... does that mean you're enlightened?

**Jean: **Er... I do not feel enlightened. Miss Hijiri is much more enlightened than I am... or at least, she acts that way.

**Hatate: **Like, if you are, what do you do to be enlightened? I can't get a straight answer out of that silly-billy Byakuren...

**Jean: **Heh heh... I... I think you are making a mistake... perhaps I can remember Koishi because she kissed me? Or perhaps you are forgetful?

**Hatate: **I'm, like, a reporter! I'm not forgetful!

**Jean: **...if you say so. I never realised I could be enlightened, or even close to it. Miss Hijiri claims that I am on the same reincarnation line as her deceased brother, and while I do believe it, no matter how enlightened he was, I cannot simply inherit that... how you say... er... oh, I shall just use the same word... enlightenment.

**Hatate: **Like... maybe that's a thought only an enlightened person would think. That each member of a reincarnation line is unique and enlightened in their own way...

**Jean: **I thought that was... how you say... self evident...

**Hatate: **Like, we're getting off topic... like, what do you know about Koishi?

**Jean: **Well... very little. She visits the Temple of the Myouren occasionally, Byakuren tries to talk to her, but she usually just wants to play. I have played... what is the name... patty-cake with her. She is very good at it, and she also told me that she likes to look at the world from the top of the Youkai Mountain. She is a strange person, half of what she says makes no sense...

**Hatate: **Is that so? So, like, do you think Byakuren is trying to learn from her?

**Jean: **Most probably. She said that she hides many secrets. I do not know what she means by that. She once asked me to skip with her, and I did, and then the other members laughed at me for skipping with no-one... now I understand why... they cannot see her either.

**Hatate: **So, like, what would such a playful girl want with entering a Science Fair?

**Jean:** She probably just thought it would be fun. That seems to be the only reason she does anything. I must admit, I do envy her... perhaps Byakuren does also, and that is why she sees her as enlightened. She does not want to admit that she desires what she sees in the girl... because, if I recall, traditional Buddhism sees the desire as stopping the enlightenment.

**Hatate: **So, like... you don't know how she remembered all of her presentation on the subconscious mind?

**Jean: **Hmm... she seems fine remembering my name. And Miss Hijiri's... perhaps she remembers those that can remember her... and perhaps... um... a textbook on the subconscious... remembered her?

**Hatate: **Like, you're totally useless!

**Jean: **You are the one wasting my time, I was happy sweeping leaves for Miss Byakuren...

**Hatate: **Like... sorry, I guess this was totally pointless. Oh well, thanks anyway...

**Jean: **Goodbye, Miss Himekaidou. Be sure to visit the Myouren Temple when you can!

At this, I, like, accepted that I probably wasn't gonna find out much about the weirdo Satori named Koishi, and decided that if I ever do see her again, I would, like, treat her like I'll never see her again, or something, because, like maybe she sees it that way...

I wonder if she's sad... I guess I'll never get to interview her. I kinda want to be her friend, like those lucky kids, Byakuren, and the handsome human guy. She seems like a friend worth having, someone to remind you that the only thing that matters in life is being happy...

_Article written by Hatate Himekaidou_

**Present-day hindsight: **Hmm... Hatate is a strange girl. She doesn't focus on scandal, but instead on a variety of topics... she's quite interesting, I'll give her that. Unlike that stupid Science Fair article, this one is genuinely interesting. Style still needs work, but no-one's perfect.

It's a shame that every Tengu already knew about Koishi anyway... that's Hatate's biggest flaw, she usually ends up discussing the obvious. Although, it is interesting that that human man, the one that lives with Marisa, is so enlightened that he can remember her...

...people can surprise you in many ways... far more than any Karakasa could.


	8. Hakurei Miko reveals Sad Secret!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Hakurei Miko reports missing Evil Spirit and reveals sad secret!**

As a reporter, it is my duty to track down and report on things the public may not initially be aware of, and seek out new information at every opportunity, so as to provide the public with further enlightenment. However, there are times when old information that is already known is simply ignored, rather than being treated as the concern it rightfully is.

A good example of this phenomenon is the amount of public concern for a certain evil spirit, one which but a few years ago, regularly gave the miko of the Hakurei Shrine grief by doing such dastardly things as... um... not being the one responsible for summoning monsters to the Hakurei Shrine, living in hell, and helping Reimu solve incidents? Oh, and there was something to do with Reimu Hakurei's yin-yang orbs, but was probably just that she got beaten up by them.

While I am not so sure what the woman has done to earn Miss Hakurei's enmity, she is considered a great threat to the Hakurei Shrine, and by proxy, the human population of Gensokyo. However, she has disappeared for some time now, and no evidence of her interacting with the world at all seems to be present.

I began to think that perhaps Reimu Hakurei and the Evil Spirit had reconciled after the two had solved an incident together, however, upon visiting the Hakurei Shrine, Reimu had this to say:

**Reimu: **Ugh... okay, Aya, is it really necessary to break every wall you see?

**Aya: **Walls are no big deal, just get Suika to build a new one! I'm here to ask you a very important question, one that the fate of all of Gensokyo may hinge upon!

**Reimu: **If it's so important, you'd get on with asking it.

**Aya: **Fine! What I wanted to ask was... where is that Evil Spirit that's disappeared for a while? You know, the green-haired one? What's her name? Mimi?

**Reimu: **Yeah, I think Mimi is correct. I don't really know, if I'll be honest. Every now and then I'd see her hanging around the shrine grounds, but recently... nothing. She doesn't seem to be anywhere.

**Aya: **Hmm, I see... say, you're acting shiftily... you wouldn't be hiding any information about Mimi, would you?

**Reimu: **Of course not! Look, I think I might know why she disappeared... well, it goes like this. One day, Mimi... or whatever her name is... she... um... she...

**Aya: **Oooooh, this seems like a juicy piece of gossip! What happened?

**Reimu: **She... slimed some ectoplasm into my soup.

**Aya: **That's it? Oh, how disappointing.

**Reimu: **Anyway, I was angry at her, so I threatened to seal her... as a joke, of course. She said I was bluffing, so I began saying some of the ritual, and when I saw that she was beginning to... sort of wobble, I got scared, and tried to stop the ritual...

**Aya: **How hard can it be to just stop talking?

**Reimu: **You're one to talk, you stupid tengu. Anyway, I did stop my chants, but... the ritual continued, and I think it became botched because I didn't finish the chant.

**Aya: **Huh? So, what would the chant do if it actually worked?

**Reimu: **Um... seal her in a place for scum and criminals. I don't know where, but according to Reimu Hakurei the first, my... um... ancestor of sorts, I guess, it's a place called 'Hell'. But there are so many different places with that label...

**Aya: **Yes, you're right. It could be Makai, Mugenkan, Hell, Former Hell, or having to listen to Hatate's incessant manner of speaking!

**Reimu: **That was unnecessarily harsh.

**Aya: **You're one to talk, you banished Mimi to some kind of hellish realm for playing a prank on you...

**Reimu: **You know, 'Mimi' doesn't quite sound right, I think I got her name wrong...

**Aya: **Stop dodging the subject! So, what do you think she could do? Do you think she's a threat?

**Reimu: **I don't know... I mean, I'm sure she knew it was an accident, but she's not the sort of person to forgive easily. She always did rant about how no-one paid any attention to her... and now she's gone forever. I hope she's comfortable where she is... um... not that I liked her or anything, you know, it's just I'd feel responsible if she was unhappy...

**Aya: **But why would you have to feel responsible for someone who you don't like's unhappiness?

**Reimu: **Shut up! I didn't like her then and I don't like her now! I hope she rots in her version of hell! Happy now?

**Aya: **This is going to be documented in my newspaper! 'Hakurei Miko says she hopes Mimi can rot in hell'... sounds like a good headline...

**Reimu: **Document the full conversation or I'll send you to the same place Mima's at... hey, that's her name! Mima!

**Aya: **So, the subject at hand, Miss Hakurei... is she a threat?

**Reimu: **Probably not any more, but she's probably mighty pissed off at me... and probably doesn't like how forgotten she's become. The only time I've heard her mentioned recently was by Yuuka Kazami... she called her a 'foolish pretender that did her best to take the 'evil' away from 'evil spirit'.

**Aya: **Ah, yes, Miss Kazami is an old rival of yours too, isn't she?

**Reimu: **Well, yes. Hmm, all this talk of Mima is starting to get me nostalgic...

**Aya: **Um... maybe it's best that we conclude the interview...

**Reimu: **But you wanted to interview me, right? Hey, remember Shinki? And how she destroyed her own world... ha, stupid woman, thinking she could invite the cursed Youkai of her world into ours... Mima and Yuuka were good allies then. Still didn't trust them, but...

**Aya: **Reimu, I'm actually really busy, so if you wouldn't mind...

**Reimu: **Or before that, when I fought Yuuka herself! She lived in the world of dreams, and as far as I'm aware, she still has that house. Say, do you remember when that scientist woman came into Gensokyo to incorporate us into her theory of everything? Say, there was a crazy princess back then, one that wasn't from the moon. I wonder where she is...

**Aya: **Reimu, are you okay?

**Reimu: **I'm... (at this point, Reimu burst into tears) ...PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME! I'M SO LONELY!

**Aya: **This is... unexpected. Reimu, did you hit your head, because you don't usually _want _me around like this... and I know how easily you humans damage your brain...

**Reimu: **Um... I... I didn't say anything... I... I was just... I just... okay, leave me alone, will you? I don't want your help, or your company!

**Aya: **I... um... never offered either. Are you sure you're...

**Reimu: **...I'm fine, okay! Just leave me alone!

**Aya: **Um... if you say so.

With that, I left the Hakurei Shrine, as there was nothing I could really say that wouldn't earn me a scolding. While I have learnt that the evil spirit, Mima, most likely doesn't pose a threat to this particular realm, it is very possible that there is an altogether different problem arising... the Hakurei Miko may well be losing a different kind of spirit altogether.

I don't want to get involved personally, because I don't think Miss Hakurei is all that fond of me, but I think that Reimu could well be a little lonely. If that is the case, then, as part of my duty as a resident of Gensokyo, I advise you go over to visit Miss Hakurei. Ask her about her day, drink tea with her, I don't know what humans like, but... please try to make her better.

Bad things happen when the Hakurei Miko is distressed, or at least, that's usually how it works, and if Reimu were to fall into a deep depression... who knows what might happen? This is pure and honest Shameimaru, telling you to go visit the Hakurei Shrine! Remind Reimu that she has friends! Quick! Before it's too late!

**Present-day hindsight: **Like, I think Aya wanted this article put in the archive to remind everyone that she may have indirectly saved Gensokyo... like, I don't know about that, but, like, she did a good deed, I guess.

Like, I never realised Reimu was so sad... poor little girl. I guess she does live alone, and she only really leaves the shrine to get food and solve incidents and stuff... like, she's all grown up now, and like, has a kid at her shrine, so I guess it's not so bad nowadays, but I bet that she must have felt pretty bad...


	9. Half-ghost Band has Intra-band romance!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Half-ghost Band may have Intra-band Romance!**

Like, hi there! This is Hatate Himekaidou, and, like, I'm gonna cover some entertainment news in this article! Like, I decided to go for a nice stroll, when, like, I saw a phantom out of the Netherworld, floating in, like, the middle of a field. It was floating next to pile of tickets, and totally offered me a ticket to see the not-so-famous band, Youmu and the Half-ghosts, apparently having the Prismrivers as a supporting band.

I was, like, totally confused that it wasn't the other way round, but then it like, hit me... I could totally find out some saucy information about them! And that I have! After, like, speaking with an informant, I found out that the band had once gone to the legendary 'Dragon Palace' to play a concert there... according to the totally reliable prince, the lead singer, Youmu Konpaku, is like, totally in love with Demi, the bassist! They're, like, secret boyfriend and girlfriend, according to him. Like, normally, this wouldn't make news, but if cute little Youmu has got herself a man, I imagine the fans of the band would totally rejoice!

Not one to, like, take one person's word for granted, I decided I would go back to the phantom and ask for a ticket, and even bought myself a backstage pass so I could get an interview with the band!

There are five members in all, Demi the bassist, Semi the keyboard player, Hemi the guitarist, Point-five the drummer, and of course, Youmu, the lead singer. Once the concert was over, I, like, totally decided to go backstage, however, I was, like, totally smart... I figured out how I could prove if someone was lying... I made sure that I interviewed each member individually so that if there was any difference in the story, I could tell. Mondo clever, huh?

So, I totally went backstage, where the band were in person! They looked so cool, and Youmu was super cute! I, like, took pictures of her while I could, because she's such a little cutie pie. Like, I could eat her for breakfast! Anyway, I asked them if they were willing for an interview, each in private, and surprisingly, they totally obliged!

I totally started with Youmu, who for some reason was all red after I had taken pictures of her... like, maybe she was embarrassed, the cute little thing... anyways, this is what she said:

**Hatate: **Like, now that we're all alone, we can talk private matters...

**Youmu: **Please don't do anything weird... what are you going to do with those photographs?

**Hatate: **Like, nothing! I just want some cute pictures! Anyway, I'm, like, here to ask you an important question...

**Youmu: **If it's asking me out, then I'm sorry, I don't swing that way...

**Hatate: **Like, why would I do that, silly?

**Youmu: **Well, it's just you _were _rhapsodising about my 'cuteness' while taking pictures, some of which were down my top...

**Hatate: **Like, don't flatter yourself, it's not like you have any chest to hide anyways...

**Youmu: **Um... what did you just say?

**Hatate: **You, like, have no breasts. Anyway, I want to ask you about...

**Youmu: **Merlin said I had a good body... and... and now you're...

**Hatate: **Like, having a flat chest isn't a bad thing! I didn't mean to...

**Youmu: **(starts crying) ...I would love to grow... just a bit... just a bit...

**Hatate: **Calm down! Like, please! Anyway, don't you have a boyfriend? I'm sure he loves your flat chest...

**Youmu: **(stops crying) Huh?

**Hatate: **You know, that bassist guy, Demi. The one who talks in a totally awesome accent. Sorta familiar, somehow, I, like, can't think why...

**Youmu: **Wait, what? You think Demi and I are...

**Hatate: **Like, my informants tell me that the Dragon Prince has seen you share a bedroom with a double bed...

**Youmu: **That's because he forced us to... we didn't even sleep at the Dragon Palace in the end! The Prince was a creepy loser who forced us to kiss and...

**Hatate: **You... you kissed? Ooh, saucy, this is, like, gold! So, what happened when he 'forced' you to kiss Demi?

**Youmu: **Hey, it's really not like that! It was a royal command, he had, like, a million oar-fish guards! They were all passive-aggressive, saying that refusal of a royal command is considered treason and stuff...

**Hatate: **So... um... was it good?

**Youmu: **What do you think?

**Hatate: **I'll take that as a yes...

**Youmu: **It's a no! A no, you hear me? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! He didn't even start properly! He wouldn't take the lead, he's an idiot. I had to do all the work...

**Hatate: **So you, like, wanted him to kiss you with more passion?

**Youmu: **NO! SHUT UP!

**Hatate: **Like, this is seeming like denial... I'm, like, not convinced with this...

**Youmu: **GO AWAY! LEAVE US ALONE!

**Hatate: **Like, you agreed to let me interview all five of you...

**Youmu: **Hmm... well, I guess I could make you suffer by letting you interview Hemi... hey, Hemi! Hemi! It's your turn!

**Hatate: **Well, like, I thought I was gonna call the shots, but... (Youmu leaves, Hemi walks in)

**Hemi: **Yo, so when do we start the sex?

**Hatate: **Like, _what_?

**Hemi: **Well, that's why I overheard Youmu yelling 'No' all the time, wasn't it? It's okay, I won't complain about it, in fact, if I like it, maybe we can...

**Hatate: **...I'M NOT HERE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!

**Hemi: **...oh. How disappointing... all the fangirls tend to want Demi, it's not fair...

**Hatate: **Well, like, maybe that's 'cause he's a guy?

**Hemi: **Eh, maybe. So, what are you here for, then? (sits back with open legs)

**Hatate: **Um... I can... I can see your...

**Hemi: **So? Take a picture if it's that big an issue.

**Hatate: **You're... I don't like this... I feel all...

**Hemi: **Dirty? Well, that's good. You made poor Youmu feel dirty, now pay the price, you stupid paparazzi!

**Hatate: **Hmm, you're protective of Youmu? That's nice, I guess...

**Hemi: **Hey, it's not like she's my friend or anything! It's just... well, I'm the only one allowed to pick on her, got it?

**Hatate: **Um... okay. If you say so... anyway, I'm here to ask about if you've seen Demi and Youmu being in a totally romantic secret relationship...

**Hemi: **Heh, well, there was the time that they kissed in the Dragon Palace... that Prince is one messed-up guy, I tell you. It was like they were his toys. He was all like 'Now kiss!', the little creeper. Oh well, I stole more than enough gems from his place to make the visit worthwhile...

**Hatate: **We're, like, getting a little off topic, aren't we?

**Hemi: **Oh, right? You think they've got the hots for each other? Well, I always thought Demi kinda had the hots for someone else. I'm sure your other interviews will be able to gather who I think he likes. But yeah, Youmu, on the other hand... well, she's too neurotic to really keep up a relationship, and Demi's an ugly mug anyway. I'd be a better partner to her than that slack-jawed bassist. Um... not that I would want to, I was just saying he's not really her style, you know?

**Hatate: **Sure, sure. So, like, I can only assume you're a lesbian, right?

**Hemi: **Bisexual.

**Hatate: **How... interesting... well, like, I think that's all I need from you. Oh, like, would you mind being a model for a swimsuit edition of our newspaper at some point? It's just, we're recruiting models, and given you're... um... so comfortable with your body, it would be nice if you could...

**Hemi: **Sure. The swimsuit might not be necessary, I could just go nude...

**Hatate: **Like, swimsuit should be fine... um... bring in the next person...

**Hemi: **Who do you want?

**Hatate: **Uh... bring in that drummer... man... is it a man? I'm not sure...

**Hemi: **Heh, Point-five? Sure, I'll bring her in.

**Hatate: **Her! Good, so she's a her! Yes, bring her in! (Hemi leaves, Point-five enters)

**Point-five: **Hmm. I think we've met before.

**Hatate: **Like... yeah, you do seem familiar. Wait, were you at the Science Fair on the Youkai Mountain?

**Point-five: **Yes. You harassed me and said I was boring.

**Hatate: **Oh, that's where I know you... heh heh... um... so... um... are you willing to answer some questions?

**Point-five: **Willing? No. Am I going to? Yes.

**Hatate: **Um... thanks for your sacrifice?

**Point-five: **Just start asking the questions.

**Hatate: **Okay... do you think Demi and Youmu are a couple?

**Point-five: **They are two people. Two objects are usually referred to as a 'couple'. So, yes, they are a couple.

**Hatate: **Hey, don't play dumb, you know what I mean! Are they romantically involved?

**Point-five: **No.

**Hatate: **But... Hemi and Youmu said that they kissed in the Dragon Palace! Is it true?

**Point-five: **Yes.

**Hatate: **You're not being helpful. Were they, like, forced?

**Point-five: **Technically nobody forced them...

**Hatate: **You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

**Point-five: **Define 'this'.

**Hatate: **Okay, you're, like, totally useless. Send in... uh... Demi!

**Point-five: **Of course. Demi, the obnoxious reporter wants you! (Point-five leaves, Demi enters)

**Hatate: **Obnoxious? I'm not obnoxious! I'm not obnoxious, right, Demi?

**Demi: **Like, don't worry, man. It's just Point-five's way of showing she likes you. She, like, seemed to not like us when we... uh... recruited her, but she, like, warmed up to us.

**Hatate: **Okay... say, Demi, I have to say, I totally like your accent! Anyway, like, I have to ask you something important!

**Demi: **Uh... is it that you want me on your swimsuit edition, because Hemi was, like, bragging about how she's now a model...

**Hatate: **Like, no, that offer was only because of how... um... you know, confident she is. I mean, you could be in the swimsuit edition if you want, because if your arms are any indication, you have a pretty good body for...

**Demi: **Um... well, it's not that I don't want to, but it's just that... I don't think I'd...

**Hatate: **Gee, you can just say no, that's not why I'm here.

**Demi: **Oh yeah, no, that's the word I'm looking for. I, like, totally find it hard to let people down, especially such a cute-looking girl like you...

**Hatate: **You... you think I'm cute?

**Demi: **Yeah, you talk in, like, a mondo adorable way, you probably can convince people to do what you want fairly easy, right?

**Hatate: **Oh my, Mister Tamashi, are you trying to seduce me? What would Youmu say?

**Demi: **Huh? Youmu?

**Hatate: **You know, your secret girlfriend! The Dragon Prince is convinced!

**Demi: **But, like, the Dragon Prince, he's a little too enthusiastic in his... uh... you know, his fan... his fanhood, you know?

**Hatate: **I'm sure he is an enthusiastic fan! Anyways, the others seem to think that you kissed her, and Point-five even said that no-one was forcing you!

**Demi: **She... she said... oh, like, she's going down...

**Hatate: **Like, what happened? Did the Dragon Prince tell you to kiss, and then, knowing you'd never get another opportunity to show your love, use it as an excuse to kiss her?

**Demi: **Like, of course not! She's, like, my friend! We're, like, brother and sister! Anyway, Semi's, like, way prettier, anyway. Oh, wait, like, uh... just forget I said...

**Hatate: **Oh... like, I see... like, this band is a tangled web of romance indeed, isn't it?

**Demi: **Like, whatever you're thinking, it's not true...

**Hatate: **Oh, I was just thinking that you were telling the truth about you and Youmu just being friends. I guess you two are an item after all...

**Demi: **Like, no! That's not how it...

**Hatate: **...and yet you have the gall to say another woman is prettier... you may have a charming voice and nice-looking arms, Mister Demi, but you can't get away with that...

**Demi: **Like, this is madness... this isn't fair, I'm, like, totally innocent!

**Hatate: **Oh, and I'm a kappa. You must be tired... send in Semi, would ya, I'm done with you...

**Demi: **Hey, you... what are you gonna do with this information? Like, this isn't going in a magazine, is it?

**Hatate: **It's not going in a _magazine_...

**Demi: **Like... okay, Semi, don't tell her anything! (Demi leaves, Semi enters)

**Semi: **Oh my, Demi seems... angry. It's rare that I see him like that, he's such a nice guy...

**Hatate: **He is? Oh, I feel bad that I upset him. I was just talking about how people think he and Youmu are a couple and he got all defensive... but what's interesting is that he said you were prettier than Youmu...

**Semi: **He... um... he said I was prettier... than Youmu? But Youmu's so young-looking, I don't think I really measure up...

**Hatate: **He said you were _way _prettier. There's, like, no contest...

**Semi: **He... he was probably just exaggerating. I mean, Demi and I, we sorta go back, you know? Anyway, what do you know about him and Youmu? I mean, I'm just curious if you've found anything out that I don't know...

**Hatate: **Like, usually, the interviewer asks the questions... but like, okay. I know that at the very least, Demi kissed Youmu, they may or may not have been forced, and they shared a bedroom together. Also, Youmu and Demi both, like, super-deny that they liked kissing each other, although Youmu was a little disappointed that Demi didn't take the lead, or something...

**Semi: **I... um... see... she really wanted him to take the lead when they kissed...

**Hatate: **Huh? You sound a little bummed out...

**Semi: **It's nothing. So, did Demi say he liked it?

**Hatate: **Well, I didn't ask him...

**Semi: **DID DEMI SAY HE LIKED IT?

**Hatate: **Like, what's your problem? It's not like he's your boyfriend- wait a second...

**Semi: **Whatever conclusion you've come to, it's probably...

**Hatate: **You're jealous, aren't you?

**Semi: **Of course not.

**Hatate: **You so totally are! You wanted to be the one to kiss him, didn't you?

**Semi: **No, of course not... he's a terrible kisser anyway... oh, for God's sake...

**Hatate: **So, you've kissed him before? OH! And when you said you had a history with him, that was because you were former lovers...

**Semi: **NO! I mean, uh... yeah, we were once boyfriend and girlfriend. He dated me, talking about his stupid pipe dream that him and I would be a rock duet some day... I never thought we'd end up meeting again and actually form a band...

**Hatate: **And it's rekindled an old flame, hasn't it?

**Semi: **No! No, just... just be quiet. You don't know anything, tengu. Of course I felt uncomfortable when the two kissed, but it was because Youmu would have to suffer through his awful kissing... hell, at the time, I even laughed with Hemi at them. That... stupid Dragon Prince... although, he's rich. Very, very rich.

**Hatate: **You're, like, dodging the subject. You so want him.

**Semi: **SHUT UP!

**Hatate: **Like, what are you worried about? You're so jealous of Youmu... why? She, like, has no breasts, no confidence, and Demi even said he finds you prettier! So, like, ask him out! Seriously, it'd be really sweet and I could put it in my newspaper!

**Semi: **So, you're not content to hound after stories, you have to engineer and create them too?

**Hatate: **I'm just talking as a fellow girl... go on... do it. Do it later, when you two are alone or something. No-one will judge you...

**Semi: **You're an idiot. Just... just be quiet, you know absolutely nothing. Okay, you're done with your interview, leave the premises, unless you want to take more pictures of your precious 'super-cute' Youmu...

**Hatate: **You're... trying to convince me you're _not _jealous of her, right?

**Semi: **JUST LEAVE!

After that bout of impoliteness, I decided to leave, having obtained some super-weird information about the half-ghosts... they're, like, one massive, tangled web of affections for one another! Like, Youmu is the cutie that all the fans adore, even Hemi seems to be weird about her, Semi definitely has the hots for Demi, and Demi... well, I'm not so sure about her. And don't get me started on that Point-five chick, she... she may seem like the calmest of them all, but I bet she's all kinds of kinky! I bet she wants them to all have a big orgy or something, the creepy pervert!

Like, it's funny how when I decided to investigate a potential innocent, simple romance, I ended up finding something so incredibly complex that I, like, think I may have outdone myself. This is, like, totally juicy gossip, and, like, I bet the fans of the band will love this! Soon, they'll be demanding pictures of them together, and I'll be, like, the photographer of love! Like, write in if you want me to be the photographer of love!

_Article written by Hatate Himekaidou._

**Present-day hindsight: **Hatate... um... Hatate may have got... a little carried away in this article. Although, I have to admit, her idea of interviewing _five _people in quick succession, and building upon each different viewpoint to form a clearer picture of events... is actually fairly smart.

Not as smart as me, of course, but... but still, I'll let her have her moment. I mean, she's still only a beginner, credit where credit's due. She's very talented for a newbie.


	10. Shikigami of Border Youkai tells all!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Latest Shikigami of Border Youkai tells all... kind of.**

As I'm sure you're aware, Yukari Yakumo is a fickle old woman, a strong senior youkai who does not grow attached to anything that's not as eternal as herself. And just as she has moved on from the many eras of Gensokyo, from the failed lunar invasion, to the... second failed lunar invasion, she also has to regularly change her shikigami.

Dumping her old, tired Shikigami with the devilishly handsome heathen, Dawitsu, Miss Yakumo moved on to find a brand new chief shikigami, a bold Oni with a good appetite for alcohol and of very few words. I decided that the time was long overdue to ask the woman about her time under Yukari's command, as well as ask the important of how yet another Oni has managed to escape the underground...

After politely entering Miss Yakumo's house through the wall and gently convincing her to go away, I decided to ask the shikigami some questions to see what she had to say...

**Aya: **Hello, Miss... hold on, what's your name?

**Oni: **(spreads fingers, as if marking the number ten, and then makes the shape of some kind of letter or number with her hands in the space slightly above where her hands were previously)

**Aya: **Um... is it Tenshi?

**Oni: **(covers face with hand, and then repeats previous gesture)

**Aya: **Heh heh, um, you know, names are overrated... so, you're an Oni, judging by that horn. So, are you from Former Hell?

**Oni: **(Nods, but makes gestures resembling a leg kicking something away)

**Aya: **You were kicked out? What for?

**Oni: **(points outside of window, towards the Hakurei Shrine)

**Aya: **Reimu Hakurei kicked you out?

**Oni: **(Shakes head, and points towards Hakurei Shrine, then put her hands to her hips, before picking up a sake dish and sipping it in a regal manner)

**Aya: **You... had a shrine for yourself?

**Oni: **(Enthusiastically nods head)

**Aya: **What was it like?

**Oni: **(makes circular shape with hands, lets it drift from left to right)

**Aya: **You fired bullets there?

**Oni: **(shakes head, repeats gesture while imitating wind with mouth)

**Aya: **You had a problem with tumble-weed?

**Oni: **(shrugs shoulders, and drags me closer to her face)

**Aya: **That's close enough! OH! You meant close enough by... wow, you're clever. So, why can't you speak?

**Oni: **(Points to Youkai Mountain, before styling her hair to look like Kanako Yasaka's)

**Aya: **You were... the God of that shrine? But how does that stop you from...

**Oni: **(slaps me in the face)

**Aya: **Okay, okay, I won't question your silence!

**Oni: **(Smiles and nods)

**Aya: **Well... um... how about we move on? What's it like working under Yukari?

**Oni: **(Sniggers slightly)

**Aya: **What?

**Oni: **(points to me, opens her mouth repeatedly, before putting one hand on top of the other)

**Aya: **Oh, come on, that's just immature! Come on, what's it like to do whatever the Border Youkai desires of you?

**Oni: **(begins to laugh properly, before silencing herself)

**Aya: **You're not funny.

**Oni: **(shrugs her shoulders and points at me)

**Aya: **Well, I guess I did kind of ask for it... hey, I'm starting to understand you!

**Oni: **(claps her hands)

**Aya: **Thank you. So, what's it like being Yukari's Lady-servant?

**Oni: **(smiles slightly, but doesn't build up into a laugh. Then points to a bottle of vodka)

**Aya: **Ah, she gives you lots of Vodka? Where does she get that?

**Oni: **(picks up the bottle, points to a line reading 'Russian Standard Vodka')

**Aya: **Russian? What country is that from, then? Russialand? Russiesia? Russiana?

**Oni: **(covers face with palm, then places her right index and middle finger on her left palm, before crossing the palm out with her right hand)

**Aya: **I'll... just go with Russiana. So... is she nice?

**Oni: **(smirks, and begins impersonating Yukari, pointing forward and opening her mouth repeatedly, before punching her left palm with her right fist)

**Aya: **She... shouts at you and beats you up?

**Oni: **(shakes her head, before forming two 'sock-puppets' with her hands. One 'talks' to the other, and the other 'walks' away, before coming across a hand 'walking' on its index and middle finger. Then, the 'sock-puppet' hand 'bites' the 'walker', savaging it)

**Aya: **She... orders you to attack people like a rabid dog?

**Oni: **(drags me close to her face)

**Aya: **Close enough... ack... can you get off me?

**Oni: **(shakes her head)

**Aya: **So... is she nice to you?

**Oni: **(points downwards, and points to me)

**Aya: **Not as nice as me? Oh, stop, you're making me blush...

**Oni: **(makes two 'O' signs with her hands, before shaking her head)

**Aya: **I don't care if you're not a lesbian, I'm not even coming on to you!

**Oni: **(looks indignant, points to her face before pointing to her left pinky, making a grinding motion with her hands, putting her right index finger on her left palm, and making a 'Y' shape with her hands)

**Aya: **Look, I didn't mean you were ugly...

**Oni: **(folds her arms, looks as if she is going to cry)

**Aya: **Oh, come here! You're beautiful! You're really pretty, and I wouldn't mind you being on our swimsuit edition sometime soon if you like...

**Oni: **(seems genuinely happy, before bursting into laughter and making the two 'O' shapes with her hands)

**Aya: **Shut up!

**Oni: **(gives deadpan look, before pointing to her mouth)

**Aya: **Um... well... uh... stop signing!

**Oni: **(opens mouth, before making a 'P' shape with her hands, putting her right index finger on her left palm, pointing to her left index finger, pointing to her left thumb, linking her pinkies, and pointing to her left index finger again.)

**Aya: **Fine... stop signing... please.

**Oni: **With pleasure, old chap.

**Aya: **Did you... did you... AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

After that, I boldly fled in terror, too shocked for words at the fact the Oni... had used words. From what I can gather, this proves that the latest shikigami of Miss Yukari Yakumo is only silent because she wants to be, and seems to enjoy making other people try and decipher what she's saying.

She also seems to have formulated some kind of sign alphabet to help herself communicate, although why she doesn't just speak I don't know.

But apparently, she once was the Goddess of a shrine, perhaps one that is now in former hell! Oh, I should go and send Reimu down for me like I did during that incident! This is Pure and Honest Shameimaru, and next issue, there may be an archaeological article to be read!

_Article written by Aya Shameimaru_

**Present-day Hindsight: **Like, that Oni seems like a funny girl. Not that I'd, like, want to hang out with her, but I bet it was funny to see Aya try and interpret what she was trying to say...

Like, Aya's super-observant, isn't she? She, like, wrote down every action she did with so much detail, she's like... a super journalist! How positively awesome! Like, I should take note of her technique!


	11. Hakurei Shrine Maiden is an adult!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Hakurei Shrine maiden is finally an adult!**

Like, we all knew it was coming! The day that, like, all of Gensokyo was waiting for, the day Reimu Hakurei turned twenty! She's, like, grown up so slowly! It's like, she was being stopped from growing up by someone!

However, in her adulthood, she looks as cute as she ever did! Like, while humans are quick in both ageing and death, she seems to have just become a little taller. I bet, like, that human guy, what is it, Michel or something, is like, totally kicking himself!

There was a birthday party that was being thrown in her honour, a collaborative effort between human witch, Marisa Kirisame, the strange human man who's name I forget, the little Oni, Suika Ibuki, and the mimicking tengu fellow that lives above her!

They, like, tried to plan it in secret, but I, like, stumbled upon them breaking into the Hakurei Shrine after telling Reimu that there was an incident. Aya was all like 'This incident should be covered by a professional', and totally went after Reimu, but I like, was onto their ruse, and stayed in the shadows, before totally telling them I found them!

They, like, explained, and I like totally helped out with the preparations! Mister Dawitsu had brought these things called 'flyers' which said 'Happy Birthday' on, and like, I painted on 'Reimu' in red and white paint, just how she'd like, and we, like, baked a cake, and it was great!

Suika, like, used her limitless gourd to fill about five bottles of sake for the party, and Marisa mixed it with this special mushroom of hers to make a cocktail she called a 'Witch's Brew'. Like, it was so cool, and we even hung these yin-yang orb looking things from the ceiling to make her feel at home.

Then, like, she came back, all ranting about how there was no incident, and then we shouted 'Surprise!'. I think, like, the first thing she did was instinctively punch Dawitsu in the face... he didn't get up for a while.

We explained the situation to her, and she was all, like, angry, I think... although, like, Reimu is totally fickle, I don't, like, know whether she's happy or sad with anything... anyways, after having a few drinks, I like, decided to ask her how she felt about the party.

**Hatate: **So, like, how's the party, Reimu?

**Reimu: **You're talking like you're going to put my answer in your newspaper.

**Hatate: **That's 'cos I like, am!

**Reimu: **At least you're honest... um... well, why are you here? I can understand Suika, Marisa, Jean... and even that moron on the floor too, I guess, coming here, but what happened? Marisa said you helped decorate the place.

**Hatate: **I, like, was looking for a scoop and found these guys breaking into your house while you were out dealing with an incident! I thought Marisa was stealing from you, you know, like she does with everyone else.

**Reimu: **And... you were gonna stop them if they were?

**Hatate: **Like, of course not, just take pictures!

**Reimu: **You have no soul.

**Hatate: **Hey, I like, helped prepare the party, didn't I?

**Reimu: **I guess...

**Hatate: **So, like, are you happy that someone remembered your birthday?

**Reimu: **Well, it's nice, but I... um... you know, don't like being the centre of attention.

**Hatate: **Not be the centre of attention? You're the human heroine of Gensokyo! Oh... um, I guess Marisa's one too, but, like, you're the most important human here!

**Reimu: **Huh. That's why only you five showed up. Only four in earnest. I'm looking at you, Paparazzi.

**Hatate: **Like, I'm hurt! You posed for the swimsuit edition, I, like, felt I owed it to ya! Anyway, I thought you didn't like being the centre of attention!

**Reimu: **Well, uh... I only posed for that because Aya was so forceful... I couldn't just say no, could I? She ranted about how youkai are so much better models because of how they stay young-looking, and how I wasn't up to the challenge...

**Hatate: **Like, look on the bright side, you're always nice and thin to me! Like, how do you do it?

**Reimu: **The yin-yang orbs I have actually let me eat as much sweets as I want without getting fat. Wait a minute, what do you mean 'to you'?

**Hatate: **Like, don't read too much into it, I'm just saying I think you're cute! You've still got a girl's face...

**Reimu: **You mean I don't look like a woman?

**Hatate: **Um... what I meant was you still look good! Heh heh... um... not a blemish on your face!

**Reimu: **Great, Jean will never like me, will he...

**Hatate: **Jean! That's his name, Jean!

**Reimu: **(bursts into tears)

**Hatate: **Like, oh no! Reimu, it's okay! He's, like, super stupid, don't worry about him! Any man would be lucky to be with you...

**Reimu: **Are you coming on to me?

**Hatate: **Like, WHAT? How fast does your mood swing?

**Reimu: **Well, you're talking about how cute I am, you bring the swimsuit thing up, and then you say any man would be lucky to be with me!

**Hatate: **Just... um... comforting a girlfriend, that's all...

**Reimu: **Please don't call me that again.

**Hatate: **Okay.

**Reimu: **You're not seriously gonna put this conversation in a newspaper, are you? It's so asinine...

**Hatate: **I, like, just wanted to hear your thoughts on the party! So, like, what incident did Suika and the lot make up?

**Reimu: **They said that Karakasa of the Myouren Temple had been preparing a _big _surprise for Gensokyo...

**Hatate: **And, like, the real surprise was back here!

**Reimu: **Oh, ha ha.

**Hatate: **So, what happened when you found the Karakasa?

**Reimu: **Turns out she was simply stockpiling on this weird stuff called 'dry ice'. Apparently that creepy little magician youkai that used to live above me gave her some. For a completely stupid purpose, I can't remember what she said now...

**Hatate: **Oh, like, disappointing.

**Reimu: **Then Aya came up to me, and started asking me rapid-fire questions. In the end I beat her in a Danmaku battle just to make her leave.

**Hatate: **Is she, like, okay?

**Reimu: **Why should I care? She's a tengu, she'll be fine.

**Hatate: **Like, you have a point. So, have you tried a Witch's Brew yet? They're really nice...

**Reimu: **I don't want the hangover. Have you seen Marisa over there? She's all over Jean... lucky bitch, makes me want to go over there and rip her a new...

**Hatate: **Oh! Like, is that the time, I've got to go, heh heh, it's been lovely seeing you, Reimu, but, like, I have... uh... deadlines to meet and... uh... don't go killing Marisa now, 'kay?

**Reimu: **I make no promises... HOLD ON, SHE'S HOLDING HIS HAND, SHE'S GOING DOWN!

**Hatate: **OH NO! LIKE, DON'T DO IT!

I then, like, had to break up the fight. Marisa was super-drunk, she, like, tried to kiss Reimu, but Reimu was so angry, and that poor Jean, he was all cowering in the corner, so, I like, valiantly rushed to his aide, blocking him from the fight and taking a picture at super-close range, making the flash dazzle both of them to the point that they collapsed... like, this camera is lethal at times, I swear.

I, like, spent the rest of the night playing drinking games with Suika and Dawitsu, once he woke up... for some reason, Jean didn't seem to want to play with us. I, like, wonder why. Maybe he was, like, too scared. Maybe I should have given him a stroke and told him that everything was totally gonna be okay? Although, that might just scare him even more...

_Article written by Hatate Himekaidou_

**Present-day hindsight: **Why is it Hatate picks the _best incident _in a while, yet does such a terrible job documenting it! It's not fair! I follow Reimu, expecting a big scoop, but then she assaults me! An innocent reporter, for no more than asking her if she had saved the day!

Okay, I may have also asked her how it felt to be the most gullible idiot in Gensokyo, but I don't think that warrants being brutally attacked!


	12. False Incident actually true!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Incident that wasn't really an incident turns out to be an incident!**

Sometimes, matters in Gensokyo are so strange that they take even the most experienced and skilful reporters by surprise. For example, when certain scheming humans and youkai plot a surprise party for Reimu Hakurei and send her to deal with a false incident, leading certain reporters to be unjustly attacked and harmed, one assumes that said false incident should remain false.

Such is not the case in Gensokyo. For despite my remarks upon the incident proving to be false to Miss Reimu Hakurei leading to my injury, it turned out the incident was very much genuine, for as we speak, a certain karakasa, Kogasa Tatara, has surprised us all by double bluffing us and filling Gensokyo with a great fog caused by 'dry ice', a strange substance provided to her by Yutaka Hadekawa, a scientist magician youkai.

While she gleefully proclaimed her great surprise to us in the fog, we are yet to see her, the fog being far too thick. However, by following Reimu Hakurei as she has begun to solve the incident, I have identified the first few affiliates of Miss Tatara.

The first girl to be attacked by Miss Hakurei was a young youkai of darkness named Rumia, who was quoted as saying that 'she never gets a break from being beaten up by humans' and that she had 'nothing to do with it'. However, she admitted that she was rather enjoying the cover of the fog, but Reimu left before she could say much else.

Afterwards, Reimu Hakurei attacked Miss Mystia Lorelei, yet another youkai associated with impairing the views of humans. It seemed that Reimu was not truly searching for the cause, merely attacking any youkai that would benefit from the cover of darkness. It seemed she had not heard the karakasa's bragging in the fog as I had, and was attacking aimlessly.

The next victims of her aimless assault were Miss Sakuya Izayoi and Miss Remilia Scarlet of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, the latter of which called the incident 'totally unoriginal' and 'surprisingly surprising given the culprit's track record'. It was at this point Reimu deduced who the culprit was for herself, and looked in a more organised fashion. She started by going to the Myouren Temple, where instead of Kogasa, Nue Houjuu was waiting.

Their battle was disappointing, especially given Nue's reputed skill with danmaku, however, given the mist, who can blame them? Of course, I could easily blow the mist away with my wind, but pictures wouldn't be as authentic if I cleared the way, and it was thanks to my holding back that Reimu did not spot me.

However... it was also due to my holding back that I... um... lost Kogasa. So instead, I went to see the person who provided the dry ice to the umbrella girl, who's identity I deduced by asking Remilia Scarlet about the matter. Her recently bookish nature came in handy, as she quite plainly stated this mist was not at all like the mist she had made many a year ago.

She claimed the substance was 'carbon dioxide', which is the gas form of a substance called 'dry ice', a fact she had learned from reading her old friend, Patchouli's books. I then came to the conclusion that either Patchouli or her strange... partner was responsible.

So I immediately flew to the house which I had once mistaken to be an unholy abomination of a House Youkai due to its swift construction, and entered courteously into their library to ask them questions.

**Aya: **Hello, my good magician friends!

**Patchouli: **The next time she breaks one of our walls, we should kill her.

**Yutaka: **I don't have faith we would manage such a feat...

**Aya: **Excuse me, I entered your house, care to greet me?

**Patchouli: **Hello. Get out of our house.

**Aya: **Wow, you sound defensive. Defensive of... CAUSING INCIDENTS?

**Patchouli: **I had hoped that subject wouldn't come up...

**Aya: **Aha! My deduction was correct! You, you with knowledge of dry ice, you supplied Kogasa Tatara with the means to make a mist and surprise us all!

**Patchouli: **Actually, you are wrong.

**Yutaka: **Why yes, you are. _I _was the supplier of the dry ice, although Patchy knew, naturally.

**Aya: **You... don't seem all that scared. I... I'm going to put this in a newspaper, where everyone can read it, you know...

**Yutaka: **And I should think so! The boss is so lucky, getting to live in our... his flying mansion, where everyone can see, and we live here in the forest. The isolation was nice, but... I want people to come to me for assistance in incident creation too!

**Patchouli: **Seriously? That was the reason you...

**Yutaka: **Well, no, the Boss asked me to make the dry ice for Kogasa, and I thought that...

**Patchouli: **Once again, with your boss! I feel second best to him, I...

**Aya: **Hold on, back up. Dawitsu's involved in this?

**Yutaka: **Um... yes, he mentioned something about promising to help Kogasa with her incident in song, or something...

**Patchouli: **Can we stop talking about him? Yutaka does nothing but...

**Aya: **The HEATHEN!

**Yutaka: **Oh, come off it, just tell him you have a crush on him, get rejected, and have it over with. All this talk of evil religions isn't going to make him fall in love with you, you know...

**Aya: **I... I... I don't know what you're talking about!

**Patchouli: **For pity's sake... just change the subject!

**Aya: **Yes! Let's!

**Yutaka: **(sniggers to self)

**Aya: **Stop laughing! So, what did you do to get enough mist to cover all of Gensokyo?

**Yutaka: **It's quite easy. I just converted a patch of trees into concentrated carbon dioxide, and altered conditions to chill the gas into solid form, and placed caches of dry ice in various areas of Gensokyo. Once Reimu inevitably beats Kogasa, I'll fix the situation for her, because we know poor Kogasa won't be able to convert all this carbon dioxide back by herself.

**Aya: **So... you're closely affiliated with this incident. Are you going to fight Reimu? Perhaps as an extra boss?

**Yutaka: **Heavens, no! Well, unless Patchouli's...

**Patchouli: **Absolutely not.

**Yutaka: **Look, Patchy, I know it's your time of the month, but try to...

**Patchouli: **Shut up!

**Aya: **Um... can we keep this conversation focused?

**Yutaka: **Sorry.

**Patchouli: **It's okay. Next time, declare my menstrual cycle from a soapbox, so _everyone _can hear...

**Aya: **I said to keep it focused. So, will Reimu ever know you were involved?

**Yutaka: **As long as Kogasa doesn't say anything out of turn...

**Aya: **I see. What would happen if this mist remained?

**Yutaka: **Well, there is a potential for the gases to trap more sunlight than the usual atmospheric composition of gases, leading to temperatures getting higher.

**Aya: **Ooh, that sounds heavenly! Do you have to fix the mist?

**Yutaka: **Trust me, it's not a good warmth. I will revert as much as I can, but I make no promises.

**Aya: **I think the fact you've decided to stay hidden away from Reimu is cowardly. I have a good mind to tell her that you're responsible myself!

**Patchouli: **While she's searching for the ultimate culprit herself? She'll shoot you up herself, perhaps as an extra boss...

**Aya: **I couldn't be an extra boss, could I... ooh, actually, that sounds good... Aya Shameimaru, Extra Boss... I think I've got to go now.

**Patchouli: **Oh, that's great, you're leaving.

**Yutaka: **Indeed, it is... I mean, goodbye, Aya, you will be missed...

With that, I left the house, to write this very article. And, as you can guess by this interview, I'm due to be an extra boss! Me, an extra boss! I'm so excited! Oh, I hope Hatate takes pictures for me! Oh, but will she get my good side? Oh, I'm so nervous... oh no, I'm typing my thoughts! How to I delete this? Oh dear! Oh well, this article's too good to waste just due to a bad ending. Hooray!

_Article written by Aya Shameimaru_

**Present-day hindsight: **Like, Aya thinks she's so cool, calm, and confident, but, like, she's totally a little girl at heart. I tell you, after her fight with Reimu she told me all about it! She was all like, 'Hatate, did I look good?' and I was all like 'Your face was wrong, you were busy concentrating', and she was like, 'You're just a bad photographer'.

In the end, I never got to publish those pictures... like, a shame, she was so excited, too...


	13. Amanojaku flips entirety of Gensokyo!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Amanojaku flips entirety of Gensokyo for a day!**

Like, the day before yesterday, a totally freaky flip of all sorts of things happened yesterday! Like, I felt totally weird when I got up, and that was because a totally freaky Amanojaku had flipped things around for a whole day! I, like, totally didn't feel like documenting news stories that day, and when I went over to Aya's house, she gave me a hug and called me her friend! We all, like, wore our clothes inside out, and I'm pretty sure I saw one girl wearing a skirt on her head!

But, like, even though I didn't want to write news, I felt more willing than ever to totally explore the world! Like, Remilia was super-nice to me and offered me tea for no reason, and her human maid seemed all nasty and bitter, it was so strange... the younger sister, though, she seemed the same as ever, although she was expressing fear about how strangely the two of them were acting. Living people were in the Netherworld, and Princess Yuyuko said she didn't feel like eating... even the Prismrivers didn't want to play music!

It was, like, totally crazy, totally, _totally _crazy. Reimu and Dawitsu were drinking tea together and acting like friends! Like, what sort of twisted person would do that? Well, like, I guess the culprit was sorta twisted... she is Miss Seija Kijin, an Amanojaku who, like, totally wants to flip everything around. She was floating around in the sky, laughing the whole time as she watched chaos unfold, however, for some strange reason, the next day, everything was like, totally normal again.

I went out on that day and found her walking around the mountain plains with a sad look on her face, and I, like, felt a little sorry for her, and totally asked her what was the matter...

**Hatate: **Hey, like, stop!

**Seija: **Stay away! I'll run if you come any closer!

**Hatate: **Um... run away, then?

**Seija: **Fine, I'll stop.

**Hatate: **Um... like, why are you so sad?

**Seija: **I'm not sad.

**Hatate: **Like, you totally are!

**Seija: **I, like, totally am not!

**Hatate: **Okay, you can, like, stop opposing me now.

**Seija: **I can't stop opposing you.

**Hatate: **Um... uh... don't stop opposing me?

**Seija: **I'll stop opposing you... wait, no, because then I _am _opposing her, which means I'm not, which means...

Like, she then fainted after that, and I totally took her into my house when she was unconscious for totally not weird reasons at all. When she woke up, I made her some tea, and asked her some more questions.

**Hatate: **Like, wake up, sleepy head! I made you some tea!

**Seija: **I don't want to wake up. I don't want tea...

**Hatate: **Fine, I'll, like, throw it away!

**Seija: **Give me the tea!

**Hatate: **Jeez, I can see why no-one likes you...

**Seija: **No-one likes me! That's wonderful!

**Hatate: **Uh... what?

**Seija: **I'm not telling you again.

**Hatate: **This is, like, really annoying...

**Seija: **Good.

**Hatate: **Okay, will you, like, do me the kindness of keeping why you flipped everyone in Gensokyo secret?

**Seija: **Ha! Nice try, but I'll tell _everyone_! I flipped it because I wanted to see what would happen if everyone was how I wanted to be...

**Hatate: **Please, _please _don't tell me how that worked out for you...

**Seija: **I hated it. Everyone was nice to me... it was like something out of a nightmare!

**Hatate: **Um... so, why'd you do it? Surely you'd know it'd end up that way...

**Seija: **I'm not telling you.

**Hatate: **DAMN IT!

**Seija: **There is no God to damn people.

**Hatate: **You idiot! Kanako is a Goddess, and I'm sure she could damn people!

**Seija: **She's not a Goddess, she's a kidney bean! Kidney beans don't damn people, silly...

**Hatate: **Like, I should have got Aya to do this...

**Seija: **No, you're the better reporter!

**Hatate: **Oh, you're like, making me blush. I can't be that good, can I?

**Seija: **You're better than Aya. Aya's a terrible reporter.

**Hatate: **Oh, you're just saying that...

**Seija: **No, I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

**Hatate: **Oh, like, you're too kind...

**Seija: **I'm a nasty girl...

**Hatate: **Like, that sounded like flirtation...

**Seija: **I meant it in a platonic way.

**Hatate: **Like, my head hurts... uh... where was I? Oh yeah, like, is how you managed to flip everyone in Gensokyo a secret?

**Seija: **No. I just flipped them, like... this.

**etataH: **I say, old chap, I appear to have been reversed! Why am I writing what is being said? I'm no reporter...

**Seija: **Yes you are.

**etataH: **I feel most queer. I do believe I must evict you from my house to ask myself what I am doing with my life...

**Seija: **Please can I stay?

**etataH: **I do not see the harm, I suppose. Very well, I shall offer you... er... no hospitality, for a long time, at least.

**Seija: **I guess I can stay for a short while.

And, like, after that, I spent a little time with the strange girl, but, like, didn't feel like writing down any more of our conversation. I, like, don't know what came over me, but once the girl left, I felt like I was normal again.

I, like, don't want to meet with Seija Kijin again. She's, like, a strange girl who never stops disagreeing with you. Plus, she, like, made me speak all stupid! It's not fair! I guess that's what I get for trying to interview an incident causer. Next time, Aya can do it.

_Article written by Hatate Himekaidou_

**Present-day hindsight: **I... put this one into the archive because I felt sorry for Hatate. Plus, for some reason, I was thinking very highly of Hatate when I made that decision, something I never normally do... oh, that's what happened. DAMN YOU, YOU AMANOJAKU!


	14. Sexy Reporter has strangest day ever!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Exceptionally beautiful reporter has strangest day ever!**

Yesterday was an odd day for me. A very odd day. I don't know what happened, really, but my head aches like crazy after it happened... anyway, this intrepid reporter experienced a strange, volatile change in the world, one which was strange, funny, terrifying, and overall surreal. I imagine everyone else was experiencing the same that day, and that someone... somewhere is responsible for this. Perhaps it is the sign of an incident to come?

So, for those of you who may have forgotten, I shall recount to you the horrors of yesterday, fresh from the eyes of the intrepid reporter, Aya Shameimaru!

The day started off like any other, and I was simply sitting at my desk trying to think of what stories I could cover, and after I opened a pot of ink to refill my press, suddenly I felt really weird! My press turned into a beautiful man, and I danced with him to a strange trumpet-based melody! The sky had turned from day to night, and my roof flew off with black crow wings, and we kissed each other under the light of the full moon.

After that, the beautiful man turned into a kettle, which made me rather upset, so I decided to go for a fly. The sky above the clouds was bright green, except the clouds weren't clouds when you went above them, they were marshmallows. The sun had a smiley face and wore these weird dark glasses, and began to sing a song about how she was the sun, before she screamed at me and knocked me out of the sky.

I hit the ground, which was made of mercury, so I swam in the mercury for a bit, until it became quicksand, and I began to sink, but then that scary religious man, Dawitsu, pulled me out, and said, "Um... Aya, are you okay? Your eyes look a little weird..."

I simply kissed the bad boy on the cheek, which made him turn into a rabbit, and went about my business. Skipping away, I noticed that I was in an area _filled _with giant pencils, each the size of trees, and one of them told me about the secret pencil eraser, which could get rid of the pencils.

My shirt felt all wet after the pencil said that, so I took it off and walked around in my bra for a little while, knowing that no-one would see except for the crowds of kittens, puppies, cows, and old men. Somehow, I got out from the big pencil place, and walked into a place with lots of buildings. Karakasa were walking all over, and all the buildings had faces, some happy, and some sad. I made sure to comfort the sad-looking buildings, and when I did, their faces became happy, but the karakasa around me didn't like that... what's with their cruelty to buildings, huh? If they have a face, they need to be happy too, right?

Anyway, the karakasa threw me out of their building farm, and I seemed to be in a place with lots and lots of bamboo. At first I thought it was the bamboo forest of the lost, but then a blue steam train with the number one on it approached me, making me think it was the outside world.

The steam train let me ride him all the way to his home, which was a big teacup filled with worms. An opening in one of the worms let me in, and when the train let me off, he made me sit down under a kotatsu made of lettuce.

I then realised I could interview the train if I wanted to, so I got out my pad and interviewed her when she returned with mud tea served in slices of bread.

**Steam Train: **Are you okay? What's happened to you?

**Aya: **I'm... I'm just dandy! Have you seen the sky today? Talk about green...

**Steam Train: **Um... okay... Eirin! Come here! I found that tengu girl walking around the forest half-dressed! She hopped on my back and started saying 'choo choo!'

**Aya: **Huh? Why are you calling Eirin? Where am I? Is Eirin even here?

**Steam Train: **Thank goodness you're here. Okay, can you take over? You probably can make some salves that might help her out...

**Bright Pink Donkey: **Oh my... she's got _really _dilated eyes... okay, Reisen, leave us alone...

**Aya: **Huh? Steam train, where's Eirin? You promised me Eirin! Where are you going, Steam Train?

**Bright Pink Donkey: **Okay... can you understand what I'm saying to you?

**Aya: **Yeah, of course I can! But why did you arrive, and not Eirin?

**Bright Pink Donkey: **I _am _Eirin.

**Aya: **No you're not, you're a... _oh no! _This must be an incident, it has to be! Eirin, look in the mirror!

**Bright Pink Donkey: **There is no mirror here...

**Aya: **Yes there is! On the wall, there!

**Bright Pink Donkey: **Oh my, you must be hallucinating... Aya, do you know why you're half-dressed?

**Aya: **Well, it's because of swimming in mercury and quicksand, I think...

**Elephant: **I see...

**Aya: **Ah! Eirin, you're an elephant now!

**Elephant: **This... this can't be good... okay, I'll be right back...

**Aya: **Okay... (waits)

**Turkish Delight: **Okay, I'm back.

**Aya: **You've changed again! What is the meaning of this? The world's changed so suddenly, yet I somehow feel okay about it...

**Turkish Delight: **What you are experiencing is substance-induced hallucinations. In other words...

**Aya: **...someone evil is controlling the world and making it silly and nonsensical and horrifying!

**Turkish Delight: **No, you're just high.

**Aya: **High? Well, I did go flying today, but the sun screamed at me. It wasn't very nice...

**An Old Sack: **That's not what I meant. Here, drink this, it'll make you feel better. (Expels a miniature fountain from her opening)

**Aya: **(takes fountain, transforming it into a headless compsognathus) Do I... do I really have to drink its blood?

**An Old Sack: **Sure, why the hell not?

**Aya: **Here goes... (tips headless compsognathus and drinks blood from its jugular)

Then, I learnt to my horror that the bright pink donkey, elephant, Turkish delight, and old sack were _lying _to me, and that really, the blood didn't make me feel better, it just made me sleep! Then, when I woke up, I was lying outside my house, covered in mud, water, a bruise or two, and I had lost my shirt! It was so weird! After that, the sky was blue again, and the clouds weren't marshmallows, so I think that drinking the compsognathus blood must have solved the incident.

The identity of the person who caused the incident remains a mystery, but given the large scale of the manipulation, I can only imagine it was Miss Yukari Yakumo, however, when I asked her about it, she just pointed out that the underside of my nose was black... like that's relevant in the slightest!

However, I will not rest until I find the culprit! This heinous, large-scale incident no doubt traumatised millions, and for that, I cannot forgive them, being the good citizen that I am. This is pure and honest Shameimaru, asking everyone to work together to find the culprit!

_Article written by Aya Shameimaru_

**Present-day hindsight: **Like, I _did _find out the culprit, but Aya doesn't believe me, and put this article into the archive because of its status as an 'unsolved mystery'. Like, yeah right...


	15. Flower Youkai spreads joy and happiness!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Flower Youkai spreads joy and happiness throughout Gensokyo!**

Like, yesterday was a totally beautiful day! The birds were singing, and the sun was shining, and I had a wonderful time skipping through the flower fields... like, what? I may be a hikikomori at times, but I'm a naturist at heart! That, like, doesn't mean I live naked in the trees or anything, I just totally love flowers! However, I had to say, I noticed that there was a lot more wild flowers yesterday than there was the day before, and then, I like, totally stumbled onto an amazing sight! A mondo field _filled _with sunflowers, even greater than the other one!

Standing in the middle of it was that super-nice flower youkai, Yuuka Kazami. She was, like, spinning around with her parasol, singing a totally happy tune. She seemed to be with someone else, however, I couldn't quite make out who it was, so I like, went closer to find out.

When I got there, I, like, was surprised to see that Yuuka Kazami was with a certain lizard youkai, Tokage Reiketsu, and they seemed to have resolved their differences after certain misunderstandings in the past. Tokage seemed to be injured, and Yuuka was, like, obviously just nursing her back to health.

I decided I'd interview the two, because they seemed so happy together and I kinda wanted to ask Miss Kazami about all the super-cool flowers, and see if she was the cause of Gensokyo becoming super-pretty!

**Hatate: **Like, hi Miss Kazami!

**Yuuka: **Don't move or say anything... hello, slack-jawed member of the press. What brings you to me this lovely day?

**Hatate: **Like, the flowers sure are beautiful today, aren't they? Are you, like, the cause of them?

**Yuuka: **Why, yes, I am, and...

**Tokage: **HELP! SHE'S FORCING ME TO...

**Yuuka: **...help with the gardening. The poor girl has hurt herself on rose thorns... multiple times. Tragic, isn't it?

**Hatate: **Like, poor girl. Good to see she's helping you do something that will make Gensokyo a prettier place, rather than making a super-terrible fanfiction like usual...

**Tokage: **You don't understand! I'm not helping her with the gardening, she's kidnapped me and...

**Yuuka: **(playfully hops onto one leg, accidentally kicking the kneeling Tokage in the face) ...oh, don't listen to her. My dear gardener, do you remember what you are?

**Tokage: **(suddenly becomes pale) That I'm... I'm stinking meat... fertiliser for the flowers...

**Yuuka: **That's right. You are. I mean... ah, hello again, reporter. Nothing suspicious just happened.

**Hatate: **Are you sure she's okay? I could, like, take her to Eirin's, if you like. I mean, you're, like, totally busy making Gensokyo beautiful, I'll happily help her to the doctor's and...

**Yuuka: **…that won't be necessary.

**Tokage: **Reek, Reek, it rhymes with weak...

**Yuuka: **La la la, what a nice rhyme, Reek... er, Tokage!

**Hatate: **Um... what's going on?

**Yuuka: **Oh, we're playing a nickname game. I'm... uh... Perfume, and she's Reek. I'm overpoweringly pleasant-smelling, and she stinks. And together, we smell like beautiful sunflowers growing atop corpses.

**Hatate: **I'm... not sure that's normal.

**Yuuka: **Of course it is!

**Tokage: **Reek, Reek, it rhymes with leek...

**Yuuka: **We're also growing leeks... heh heh... heh...

**Hatate: **I see. Um... so, what other plants are you and your playmate growing?

**Tokage: **Despair! Death and despair!

**Yuuka: **(Adjusts parasol, hitting the top of Tokage's head) In a... figurative sense. I'll be growing plenty of Higanbana, famous for their poison content.

**Hatate: **Like, I love Red Spider Lilies! It's so good to see you two happy and working together like this!

**Yuuka: **Isn't it just?

**Tokage: **Reek, Reek, it rhymes with peak...

**Yuuka: **Isn't it a shame? Even now, Tokage's creative ability is terrible.

**Tokage: **Hey! That's not fair! Torture me all you like, I won't have you...

**Yuuka: **...remember your new nickname...

**Tokage: **Reek... Reek... it rhymes with weak...

**Hatate: **Um... am I the only one getting a creepy vibe from this?

**Yuuka: **Yes, you are.

**Tokage: **SEND FOR HELP! PLEASE! TELL HEBIKO! SHE'LL SAVE ME! PLEASE! PLEASE, I...

**Yuuka: **The poor girl is still delusional after all these years, I pity her. She probably can't even appreciate the beauty of these flowers properly.

**Hatate: **So... like... why is Tokage with you, again?

**Yuuka: **To help with the gardening.

**Hatate: **And she... cut her face on rose thorns...

**Yuuka: **Yes.

**Hatate: **But... this is a sunflower field...

**Yuuka: **We were cutting back roses earlier. Tokage's so... (Tokage conveniently falls to the floor to prove the point) ...clumsy, isn't she?

**Tokage: **Why... why doesn't she just kill me?

**Yuuka: **She's also too lazy to not work without complaining.

**Hatate: **I'm not too sure you're telling the truth...

**Yuuka: **Whatever are you implying? That I kidnapped Tokage, tortured her and attempted to force a new identity known as Reek upon her, and have taken her with me into a half-deadly sunflower patch to let her wounds sting in the pollen-filled air?

**Hatate: **Uh... something like that.

**Yuuka: **Well, I have never heard anything more preposterous in my whole life.

**Tokage: **Reek, Reek, it rhymes with sneak...

**Hatate: **Um... I... there's something wrong here.

**Yuuka: **Why don't you just run along, and play in the flower fields I've planted.

**Hatate: **Like... yeah... I think I'll do that.

I then walked away, and, like, after I thought about it, I realised that nothing weird could have been happening, because, like, Yuuka wouldn't have taken her out of her home if she was trying to cover anything up. Also, Tokage is like, mondo crazy, so, like, there's no way she was telling the truth about being kidnapped.

So, like, you should totally be thankful for the lovely flowers that have bloomed this summer, it's all thanks to the benign flower youkai, Yuuka Kazami, and her slightly less than able assistant, Tokage! Like, this is Hatate Himekaidou, wishing you guys a totally awesome summer!

_Article written by Hatate Himekaidou_

**Present-day hindsight: **Now, I know Hatate's a little dim at times, but I don't think she's _that _dim. I think she's in denial. Maybe she's traumatised after seeing the event, and just... tries to remember it in a different light.

The only reason this is in the archive is that... it was a useful article. In the end, Reimu saw the article, saw the obvious truth, and actually rescued that poor lizard youkai...

...I never thought I'd actually feel sorry for the _green-haired _lizard, but there you have it...


	16. Gensokyo Poetry Competition in action!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Gensokyo Poetry Competition in action!**

Hello there. This is Alice Margatroid, part-time informant to the Bunbunmaru Spirit News, and I also happen to write columns every now and then, too. Recently, on behalf of Aya and Hatate, I have been collecting entries to a poetry competition that has been rather vigorously advertised by Aya, and out of all of Gensokyo, only a few ended up entering. It's a shame... if I wasn't so involved with the competition's inner workings, I'd have written an entry myself... oh well.

Anyway, the day after this article is released, Aya will go round Gensokyo and collect results on who shall win. But I imagine you readers don't want to hear of the logistics, you just want to see the entries, don't you? Very well...

The first entry is by Hebiko Bimyouna, a lizard youkai from Mayohiga:

_Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?  
__Okay, if you insist  
__You make me sneeze with my fever of hay  
__Among other things in this list_

_You're far too hot for my own good  
__And that's coming from an ectotherm  
__You attract wasps in chewed-up wood  
__And give white humans sunburn_

_See, summer ain't that romantic  
__When you think the whole thing through  
__So why not forget that poetry schtick  
__And let me go out with you_

I personally think it's funny and cute, especially if you know the poor girl, but I guess that the poem should be judged on its own merits, not on what the writer herself is like. Oh! The next entry is by Raiko Horikawa, a taiko tsukumogami who, for some reason, likes electricity a lot... oh, right, the poem.

_This poem is what they call a sonnet  
__That means it has ten beats in ev'ry line  
__While difficult, don't fear, 'cause I'm on it  
__As I also keep to the rules of rhyme_

_A tool like a drum keeps beats as a job  
__So rhythm comes naturally to me  
__Crochet, quaver, one beat rest, I'm no slob  
__I hear beats clearly as some people see_

_Another rule states I keep three verses  
__All of four lines, like beats of common time  
__While some youkai spit, other yell curses  
__I'm content keeping to rhythm and rhyme_

_Sonnets end with rhyming couplets, observe  
__I admit, it's a shallow learning curve_

I... um... counted, and yes, every line in that _technically _has ten beats. I kinda think Raiko cheated with her 'ev'ry', but I'll let that slide. Well, I guess the readers are voting, so it's up to them whether or not it'll be let slide.

The next entrant is Seija Kijin, an amanojaku of some sort. I... don't quite get her piece, I think it's... abstract? Free verse? Some kind of demonic ritual?

_A car, a man, a maraca  
__Ah, Satan sees Natasha  
__No devil lived on  
__Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas!  
__Do geese see God?  
__Madam, in Eden I'm Adam  
__A man, a plan, panama  
__Art, name no tub time, emit but one mantra  
__Hannah  
__Bob  
__Eye  
__Animal loots foliated detail of stool lamina  
__Murder for a jar of red rum  
__Go deliver a dare, vile dog!_

Yeah... um... please don't vote for that one. I'm supposed to not have a say in the voting, but please don't. I fear that something bad might happen if people keep repeat this stuff... oh well, it's an entry, I guess.

The next entrant is by Dawitsu, a mimicking youkai who keeps following me and Byakuren whispering 'Please kiss, please kiss, please kiss.' He's weird like that, I guess.

_If I were a girl  
__Even just for a day  
__I'd lez the hell out, clearly  
__And enjoy a bit of girl on girl_

_Be angry and mean  
__Blame it on PMS  
__Style my hair up in cute pigtails  
__And never be confronted  
__'cause they'd look good on me_

_If I were a girl  
__I think I could understand  
__That sometimes guys are lazy  
__I would take good care of my man  
__Like, not that I'm gay  
__But as a girl I'd be bi  
__I'm not being defensive  
__And hopefully not offensive  
__I just think bis are hot, that's all..._

I... um... no. I'm sorry, this is terrible. It doesn't even rhyme... and when Dawitsu gave me it in written form, he also decided to sing it to me. He sounded like a woman when he did it, and had a strange... accent, I can't quite describe it. It sounded like a woman who would have big hips, strong... anyway, his poem's totally wrong! Being a guy sounds way better, getting to be a weak, excuse-making idiot who cheats on people and what have you. Well... at least, that's what his former assistant, Yutaka, thinks of men. Also, what was up with his 'bis are hot' thing? Oh, he's not... he's not saying _I'm _hot, is he? Weirdo.

Fortunately, there was one more entry from Fujiwara no Mokou. She told me that she was devoting it to a certain... friend of hers. Here it is:

_Fire rains from the sky  
__You're gonna die, die, die, die, die  
__Watch out or I'll torch you  
__If you value your lives then you've gotta get a clue_

_Stay the hell out of my face  
__Or I'll burn down your whole damn race  
__You think you can stop me?  
__I will turn the moon into a blazing cemet'ry!_

Something tells me Mokou is... a little bitter of whoever this poem is aimed at. I imagine the intended recipient is Kaguya Houraisan, but she'd never get to read it anyway... she never goes out. Well, perhaps if Aya delivers the paper via wall-break, as she usually does, I imagine she might receive it. Seriously, though, I hope Mokou isn't really going to set fire to the moon...

Well, um... I guess those are the entries. I'm sure you guys... um... had fun reading those entries. This is Alice Margatroid, saying goodbye for now!

_Article written by Alice Margatroid_

**Present-day hindsight: **Like, Alice should write more articles. She's super-cute, not that that has anything to do with her writing skill or my personal feelings about her, but she's, like, got a way with people. I mean, her nervous loner act is super-awesome! It's, like, impossible not to want to listen to her when she does that!

Like, I personally voted for that Seija girl's poem! Abstract art is like, so intellectual!


	17. Doll Youkai may or may not be regretful!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Doll Youkai may or may not be regretful!**

In Gensokyo, there are many a civilised person, however, like all places in this world, there are some savages. A good example of this would be Medicine Melancholy, a vicious Doll Youkai that was once well-known for her tendency to poison people.

Even we, the innocent press, have suffered from her although at the time, we were unable to print a story about it, on account of our houses being filled with poisonous gas, namely a substance that apparently smells of bitter almonds known as Hydrogen Cyanide. However, recently, this Doll Youkai apparently sees fit to claim that she has reformed, and that although she remembers her former crimes, she is a better person who is there to help others.

Our good informant, Miss Alice Margatroid apparently knows a little about this, and claims that the doll is, in fact, telling the truth, that she came back from severe injury innocent, not remembering what she had done, and when she got her memories back, she was horrified by her actions, and has devoted herself to the Myouren Temple as an atoner, following in the footsteps of a certain Minamitsu Murasa.

However, this reporter not made of the naïve stuff of Alice, no, she will uncover the _real _truth of this! That she is, in fact, plotting an incident far too great and too terrible to even imagine! Perhaps she is secretly poisoning the water supplies, or is collecting flowers together to make the greatest poison mist ever seen in Gensokyo!

So, I visited the Myouren Temple to visit the doll, however, when I got there, Miss Shou Toramaru told me that all she had visited the temple for was to pray to Bishamonten for strength and that her dharma be restored to neither good nor bad, before leaving to help a certain Eirin Yagokoro. She has clearly fooled the Buddhists into thinking she is devout, but I did not fall for it!

I travelled to Eientei, and politely entered Eirin Yagokoro's pharmacy, where I found the diminutive form of the Doll Youkai at the stand with Eirin, several flowers in hand. What happened next was documented in interview form.

**Aya: **Stop! Stop right there, murderous doll!

**Eirin: **Not you again... are you sober this time?

**Aya: **All too sober! And I have a sobering thought for you, my dear doctor friend!

**Medicine: **Um... did you just call me murderous?

**Aya: **Silence! Miss Yagokoro, I regret to inform you that you are employing a murderess!

**Eirin: **I... don't employ her. She's volunteering here, to make digitalis for curing heart murmurs.

**Aya: **Volunteering? What reason? Merely the kindness of her heart? I think not! She must be sabotaging your medicine!

**Medicine: **If I were to sabotage Eirin's medicine, do you not think she would know? I've come to know Miss Yagokoro fairly well... she founded Lunar Society, I imagine she's smart enough to spot poisoned medicine.

**Eirin: **As far as I'm aware, all Medicine has done is extract essences of various flowers, poisonous and non-poisonous, for use in my pharmacy.

**Aya: **But... but... she's a murderous, human-hating monster!

**Eirin: **_Was. _I should know, I kept her in a vacuum cleaner at one point. Long story. Anyway, this Medicine appears to be a completely different person.

**Aya: **But with a past like that, how can you not tell she's lying?

**Medicine: **...Byakuren said it would be like this. That some people would not be willing to forgive and forget. I'm sorry for what I've done in the past, truly...

**Aya: **How can I trust the person who tried to murder me?

**Eirin: **The person who tried to murder you was far from subtle. She didn't try to lie or trick you. To be honest, even when she was a murderess, she was more reliable than the likes of you. She always told the truth, I have got to give her that.

**Aya: **Are you implying that I'm less reliable than a murderess?

**Eirin: **No, I _know _you are less reliable than a murderess. Given recently, Reisen brought you into my office, high on some kind of black solvent, while Medicine has been faithfully serving me ever since her reformation, I think I'm far more inclined to trust her.

**Medicine: **I... I'm sorry, Miss Shameimaru. Please believe me. Do you want some opium? It might calm your nerves a little. You have every right to be scared of me...

**Eirin: **Don't encourage the idiot! She's just trying to smear your reputation, it's all this paparazzi is good for. If she was scared, she wouldn't have broken a wall of mine just to pick a fight with you.

**Aya: **I'm no paparazzi! I bring information to the public! I am the eyes and ears of Gensokyo!

**Medicine: **Eirin, you've upset her... please try some opium. I should know of how good it is, before I... um... died, that is, the first time, Alice gave me some, I've never felt so good in my...

**Aya: **Stay out of this, doll! How dare you besmirch the pride of Pure and Honest Shameimaru?

**Eirin: **For pity's sake, Aya. What else do you call a woman that tries her hardest to make a contender for the bloody messiah out to be a murderess? Who'll publicly condemn a man for giving gifts to children? Mock perfectly intelligent werewolves? And blame everyone else for getting high? Wait a moment, come to think of it, you're not a paparazzi... you're just a horrible person!

**Medicine: **Eirin, fighting fire with fire never solves anything. In the words of Byakuren...

**Eirin: **SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO DEFEND YOU!

**Aya: **You... you... YOU BIG MEANIE!

**Eirin: **Well, that's mature.

**Aya: **I try to stop this murdering murderess from murdering all your patients, and you mock my profession! My life! My entire being!

**Eirin: **No. I'm just not letting you insult a good woman. She's not even trying to defend herself! Do you know what most people call a person that attacks the defenceless? A bully.

**Medicine: **It is just karma reminding me to do my dharma, there is nothing to worry about, Eirin. She will only strengthen my resolve to show the world that I am atoning for my sins...

**Eirin: **Come off it for once, Medicine! Please!

**Aya: **She... she doesn't fool me!

**Eirin: **And you assume she's somehow fooling me? Are you implying I'm somehow less intelligent than you?

**Aya: **Well... I... um...

**Medicine: **Come now, both of you. Aya did not mean to insult you, Eirin, she only meant to remind me of my duty, as karma would. I think both of you could benefit from a good amount of opium...

**Eirin: **Oh, you know what, it's the only way I can stand fools like this, so give me some...

**Aya: **Um... well, I can't stand you either! Doll girl, give me some of that!

**Medicine: **(hands both a glass of poppy milk) I hope you enjoy it... I am glad I could be of use reducing the aggression in this room...

After that, everything was really happy! I found out that actually, me and Eirin have a lot in common, and that, with the right substances and incenses, I could expand my mind! I never realised opium was so awesome, I managed to find out Eirin can actually smile! We also played a prank on Reisen, who then blamed Tewi and got her into trouble with Kaguya!

Oh, it was totally awesome! So... uh... yeah, maybe Medicine isn't such a bad person after all... I mean, it could all be an act, but she managed to hook me up with some good stuff! Who wouldn't trust a person who gives you mind-altering substances for free?

_Article written by Aya Shameimaru_

**Present-day hindsight: **Like, I keep telling Aya she has a problem with dependency on substances, but she never listens. I wish that, like, for once, she would just accept that I might be right about something. I mean, what if Medicine really _is _up to something? Would Aya care? Or would she just take some opium and be high as Gensokyo gets poisoned?

Not that I think Medicine's up to something. She seems to be a totally different person.


	18. Vampire Girl is awesome at maths!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Vampire Girl has totally awesome mathematics skills!**

Like, I tend to avoid the Scarlet Devil Mansion like a plague, because it's a super-scary place. It's bigger than it is on the outside, its maid can totally stop time and pincushion you with silver knives, and its décor is like, totally ugly!

However, recently, a certain Flandre Scarlet has been, like, becoming smarter and leaving this mansion, something I would, like, totally not expect. Remilia Scarlet had always said that her sister was something to be feared, a total recluse with the power to crush you within a second, but, like, when I saw her, she was not like that at all! She as so adorable, I, like, don't think she could even hurt a fly!

Like, you're probably wondering where I found her, right? Well, I was, like, totally visiting the Netherworld to totally not do suspicious things like stalk Youmu Konpaku, however, when I went to the half-ghosts' house, I found that all of the half-ghosts bar that drummer girl were outside of the house.

I asked Hemi what was going on, knowing I'd get a straight answer, and she told me that they were waiting outside while Point-five stopped her heated argument with another mathematician. I was, like, not afraid of any heated argument, so I totally walked into the room, and like, I was amazed! Flandre was right there, shouting with the drummer and pointing to some kind of diagram that had been drawn onto the wall!

I decided to try and ask what was going on, and this is what happened:

**Hatate: **Like, hello you two!

**Point-five: **Go away, I'm busy refuting a false line of mathematical thought!

**Flandre: **No! Stop being so closed-minded! If the imaginary numbers didn't have a magnitude, how would they form negative numbers when squared?

**Point-five: **Because they're _imaginary! _When you have a pile of rocks, you cannot have a set of imaginary rocks, can you?

**Flandre: **If your line of thought was correct, then only integers would exist, and decimals like your name-sake would mean nothing too!

**Point-five: **You take that back!

**Flandre: **What, I'm merely operating by your logic...

**Hatate: **Like... what are you two arguing about?

**Flandre: **Hello, Miss Tengu! Have you heard of imaginary numbers?

**Hatate: **Well... like... I can imagine that there's a number four floating in the air in front of me, if that's what you mean...

**Point-five: **No, you idiot. What she means is the set of imaginary numbers that act as the square root for negative numbers. For example, the square root of minus four is two I.

**Hatate: **Isn't the square root of minus four minus two?

**Flandre and Point-five: **NO! Minus two squared is _plus _two!

**Hatate: **Um... I never realised it was that insulting... like, sorry, I'm not very good at maths...

**Flandre: **It's okay, everyone has their beginnings.

**Point-five: **Unacceptable. Hmph, square root of a negative number being a real number, preposterous...

**Hatate: **Okay, so, like, anyway, imaginary numbers are like... weird numbers that you can multiply together to make negative numbers?

**Flandre: **Wow, you catch on quick! So you managed to deduce that three I times two I would not be six I, but in fact, minus six?

**Hatate: **Well, I didn't actually deduce that much...

**Point-five: **However, it is not true to assume that the square root of minus I is one, as minus I times I is one...

**Flandre: **Although, to be sure, both the square _and _square root of one is one...

**Point-five: **Oh, here's yet _another _point we disagree on...

**Hatate: **Like... I'm in way over my head here... what's going on?

**Flandre: **Oh dear, I'm afraid we got sidetracked. What we're discussing is whether or not imaginary numbers have any magnitude.

**Point-five: **Obviously, they can't have any _real _magnitude, they're not real numbers!

**Flandre: **Who said raw magnitude exists in the realm of real or unreal? A vector can look very different to its actual magnitude...

**Hatate: **Magnitude... beyond reality... what the fu...

**Point-five: **Ugh! What is the point of likening real and imaginary numbers to vectors? It's a pointless... hey, stop drawing on _my _formula wall!

**Flandre: **(draws a pair of axes, the vertical one labelled 'R' and the horizontal labelled 'I') It's very simple. See, here we can find the magnitude of complex numbers easily!

**Point-five: **I told you, complex numbers are only as large as their real component!

**Hatate: **Huh? Complex numbers? I though you were talking about imaginary numbers...

**Flandre: **Complex numbers are numbers with both real and imaginary components. Like... four plus three I! Hey, I know! Let's plot that on the graph! (places an 'X' on the graph)

**Point-five: **What's the point? The difference between real and imaginary is not a mere angle.

**Hatate: **Real... _and _imaginary? Like... at the same time? What... what... I...

**Flandre: **See, Point-five, this is why you're being closed-minded. The imaginary numbers are merely a perpendicular set of numbers, with its own infinity and minus infinity, and the only way you can 'rotate' between the sets of numbers is by square-rooting the negative of either members...

**Point-five: **Explain this, then. Why doesn't squaring one result in minus I, not one?

**Flandre: **I... well, perhaps it does! Perhaps every time you square a number, it results in a negative imaginary number component to it!

**Point-five: **Your reasoning makes no sense. Rotation-like relationships can go both ways, the reverse process being similar but backwards. Such a relationship doesn't exist between the imaginary and real numbers.

**Hatate: **Uh... hi, I'm a normal person, are you gonna fill me in on what the hell is going on?

**Point-five: **Sssh, mathematicians are talking.

**Flandre: **Okay, okay, the analogy isn't perfect, but just look! If I put a line from the origin... absolute zero, with no imaginary or real components to the point corresponding to four plus three I... look! The line is of length five, which is a value of neither four or three! Therefore, magnitude is beyond definitions like 'real' or 'imaginary', and imaginary components _do _play a part in magnitude, just as much as real ones!

**Point-five: **But, as you admitted, the analogy is not perfect, and as mathematicians, we need the model to be as close to absolute truth as possible. Also, as you admitted, when we square real numbers under this model, we have two possible answers, whereas squaring imaginary numbers still only results in one, breaking the model one way or another.

**Hatate: **I... I... I see why the others left now.

**Point-five: **Then leave. Molest Youmu while you wait or something.

**Hatate: **Hey, I didn't...

**Flandre: **...anyway, Miss Point-five, your point. I... must take it into account. Your points about the flaws of the model are correct, and it may prove to be that magnitude is only real or imaginary, rather than a concept for both...

**Point-five: **I am glad you understand. However, Miss Scarlet, your mathematical theories and suggestions are very impressive, surprisingly creative given the way mathematics is. I'd be glad to take you on as an apprentice if you like... well, when I don't have concerts on. Hey, want a free ticket to our show on Saturday?

**Flandre: **I'd love to! Thank you, Miss Reciprocal!

**Hatate: **Huh? Are they friends now? What's going on? Why am I still here?

**Point-five: **Okay, I'll let you get off now. Take that reporter with you, Flandre. She looks ill...

**Flandre: **Okay!

Flandre then led me out of the house. I was... like, slightly stunned. I... I didn't know what was going on in the slightest, but from what I can gather, maths and philosophy have far more in common than I ever realised at first...

Like... so yeah, Flandre Scarlet really _has _grown up. Apparently, Remilia is now closer to being the 'shut-in sister' of the two. Apparently Remilia reads a lot of books now that Patchouli's left their house. That's... kinda sad. I wonder if she visits Patchouli every now and then.

Anyway, I left the Netherworld with Flandre, and she then taught me a little more on how these complex number things work. But... like, I don't see the point in them myself. I mean, sure, it's nice to say 'four plus two I times five plus two I equals sixteen', but what does it earn you? Like, I'm not sure...

_Article written by Hatate Himekaidou_

**Present-day hindsight: **I should have covered this article. I'm sure I would have understood it perfectly! I mean, imaginary numbers are just numbers that don't exist, right?


	19. New Goddess of Time's secret revealed!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**New Goddess of Time's secret revealed!**

They say that a carp can, with enough tries, jump over the gates of the Dragon Palace, and upon doing so, will become a great dragon themselves. Whether this tale is a myth or whether it is true, in it is contained an important lesson... sometimes the weakest ones of all can, with time and persistence, become... frighteningly powerful.

Even if there haven't been any carps that have become dragons in recent years, someone fitting the analogy has arrived- Miss Minoriko Aki, former Goddess of the Autumn Harvest, has now become Goddess of Time and Seasons. Her power seems to lie in a relic that she holds, a purple crystal of some sort, one which allows her to teleport and manipulate the flow of time. I at first assumed it to be an amethyst, but according to Aki herself, it is 'an emerald of chaos', bestowed upon her by 'a mysterious youkai, borne of no original form of his own'. In times past, she even attempted to cause an incident, although it was swiftly dealt with by Reimu Hakurei, Marisa Kirisame, Sanae Kochiya, and that French man who's name escapes me.

With regards to the trinket, I just assumed that Nue Houjuu had given it to her, but whenever I questioned her, she just laughed it off, irritating me somewhat. Not to be discouraged, I returned to Minoriko's new shrine, a grand thing indeed, and decided to try and get a straight answer as to how and why the Goddess so suddenly gained her awesome new powers. The questioning went like this:

**Aya: **Hello, new Goddess of Time!

**Minoriko: **Do not address me merely by my title! Address me by my full name!

**Aya: **Uh... okay. Hello, Minoriko Aki.

**Minoriko: **No, my full name _and _my title!

**Aya: **Ugh... fine. Hello, Minoriko Aki, Goddess of the Harvest, Seasons, and the Flow of Time itself.

**Minoriko: **That's better. What do you wish to ask me?

**Aya: **I was wondering if you could just... answer me, no riddles, who it was that gave you the key to your power.

**Minoriko: **If I gave you a straight answer, you might ask the person for one too, and then you'd be just as powerful as I, and you aren't even a God, just a mere youkai!

**Aya: **Why would I want to stop time? I can move fast enough...

**Minoriko: **As fast as _I _can?

**Aya: **Admittedly, no, but...

**Minoriko: **Ha! Such weak worms!

**Aya: **You know, most people who were once weak and bullied tend to be kind to the weak once they gain power, but clearly you just see this as an opportunity to be a bully yourself.

**Minoriko: **You dare accuse a _Goddess _of being a bully? The Greek Gods of the Outside World showed clearly that Gods are meant to torment mortals.

**Aya: **The Greek Gods were also hated by everyone. I hope you realise this conversation's going in the Bunbunmaru Spirit News. I imagine everyone will be _so glad _to see their Harvest Goddess is such a pleasant person.

**Minoriko: **I am _not _just a Goddess of the Harvest! I am the Goddess of Seasons! OF TIME!

**Aya: **Oh yeah, what happens if I take this... (takes purple gem from her)

**Minoriko: **No... no... give that back!

**Aya: **Make me. Use that dominion over time and space you were bragging about! Well, I'm waiting!

**Minoriko: **Interviewers shouldn't torment their interviewees... (reaches for gem, Aya pulls back)

**Aya: **Hee hee! This is fun! You want the gem?

**Minoriko: **Give it to me! (reaches and misses again)

**Aya: **You want the gem?

**Minoriko: **_Give it to me! Your Goddess commands it!_

**Aya: **If you want! (kisses Minoriko) Oh, wait a moment, I don't swing that way, sorry.

**Minoriko: **SUCH INSOLENCE! GIVE ME THE GEM!

**Aya: **Only if you tell me where you got it from.

**Minoriko: **But you... but you...

**Aya: **But I'll...

**Minoriko: **Once you know, all of Gensokyo will know how to be as powerful as I...

**Aya: **Don't flatter yourself. Even with this gem, you're only about as powerful as that human maid in the Scarlet Devil Mansion.

**Minoriko: **THAT'S IT! GIVE IT TO ME, OR I WILL DESTROY YOU!

**Aya: **But... if you fight me without this, you'll lose. I don't like to fight hard, but I'm hardly going to let someone as weak as _you _win...

**Minoriko: **Please!

**Aya: **Did... did I just hear Minoriko Aki, Goddess of the Harvest, Seasons, and the Flow of Time itself plead to a lowly youkai like myself?

**Minoriko: **I'm begging you! Just... return it to me!

**Aya: **Only if you tell me who gave it to you.

**Minoriko: **Fine... I'll tell you. I had to tell those wretched humans when they defeated me, as well... now that you know, everyone will...

**Aya: **Just tell me.

**Minoriko: **It was that mimicking youkai man! You know, the one that ate me that one time! I stole one from him, he stole it back, and later on, he gave me another for free as a way of making amends for... um, you know, eating me.

**Aya: **That monster! I should have known he'd be responsible for corrupting a religious figure! It must be part of his scheme to make Shinto look like a bad religion!

**Minoriko: **Um, no, I think he just wanted to make it up to me. Although, he did say that I should make some noise, fight the powerful humans of Gensokyo. I went to him later, after I lost, and he said losing to them was part of the fun. I don't understand him at all... to think, he's able to grant even Gods great power... what is he?

**Aya: **I don't know, but I intend to find out! It's such a shame that one so evil can be so dashingly handsome!

**Minoriko: **Uh... you find him handsome? He looks kinda weird to me... I dunno, I kinda preferred the strange human man that defeated me...

**Aya: **Um... I... well... I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM, OKAY?

**Minoriko: **I never said you did. Oh... heh heh... okay, give my emerald of chaos back, you've had your fun. If not, I'll declare your undying love of him to my followers. They'll be glad to have something to laugh at, rather than fear.

**Aya: **I'd rather return it to you that you to spread heinous slander... (returns gem)

**Minoriko: **Now, there's also the matter of that wall. You just broke part of the holy shrine to the Goddess of the Harvest, Seasons, and the flow of time itself. So, tell me, do you want to rebuild that for me? My power source is back, so I can... properly motivate you.

**Aya: **Fine, fine, I'll fix your stupid walls!

So, after I rebuilt the collapsed and clearly poorly built walls of the Aki Shrine out of the kindness of my heart, I decided to go to the Dawitsu Mansion to confront him about yet another one of his evil schemes, however, when I got there, his house was completely empty... he must have been out somewhere.

However, my war against his schemes are not over! I, Aya Shameimaru, will foil his grand master plan, and seduce him to turn him into a good guy! I mean... defeat him in battle! Yeah! That's what I'll do!

_Article written by Aya Shameimaru_

**Present-day hindsight: **I wonder at times... like, does Aya realise how stupid she sounds?

Okay, like, maybe that was harsh, but, like, Aya totally was kicking herself, because while she was out covering that, I found out where that Dawitsu guy went off to... and, like, that story really was the biggest story ever! Well, like, at the time, it was.


	20. Hakurei Shrine Maiden has child!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Hakurei Shrine Maiden has child!**

Like, I never thought the day would come, but then again, it, like, was bound to happen at some point, but... like... wow! I totally decided to visit the Hakurei Shrine while Aya was visiting the Aki Shrine, and I found out something amazing... REIMU HAKUREI HAS A BABY!

Oops, I like, must have kept the typewriter shifted into capitals for a second there... oh, it's... it's so cool! Like, Reimu's a mummy! Oh, the baby's so cute, she's... she's like a little pudding pie blob of cuteness! Like... OH, HUMAN BABIES ARE SO CUTE!

But... like, for some reason, Reimu doesn't seem to think it is... she was all moody, like the baby had done something wrong... I mean, what can a baby do, right? Oh, she has such chubby cheeks and... oh, I really wish I could backspace on this typewriter...

Anyway, like, you're probably expecting that I documented some kind of interview with the lucky woman... and you'd be in luck! I came in at a time when, like, Suika Ibuki, Marisa Kirisame, that French guy, and Reimu's sky-neighbours were all there visiting her. They got to see the baby before me, I'm, like, so jealous!

Oh yeah, like, the interview.

**Hatate: **Like, hello! I'm here to... IS THAT... IS THAT...

**Reimu: **(rocking baby) Oh God... don't... say... a word...

**Hatate: **Like... IT'S A BABY!

**Reimu: **(baby starts to cry) Oh, for GOD'S SAKE! Now it's crying again!

**Dawitsu: **Um... I could hold her for a bit, if you like...

**Ran: **I've always wanted to hold a baby in my hands...

**Reimu: **You'll keep your creeper hands off my baby!

**Hatate: **Um... like... Reimu... since when did you have a baby?

**Reimu: **Since Yukari delivered it to me.

**Hatate: **Like, Yukari's a midwife? Uh... so, like, who's the father?

**Marisa: **Jean, totally.

**Jean: **Marisa! That wasn't funny!

**Hatate: **Like... really? What a scandal! So, like, Jean, are you helping Reimu like a good daddy should?

**Reimu: **HE'S NOT THE FATHER! I don't know who is!

**Hatate: **So, you've... been sleeping around?

**Reimu: **I DON'T KNOW THE MOTHER EITHER! (crying gets louder) AAAAAH! I'M GONNA THROW THIS THING IN A MINUTE!

**Jean: **Do you want _me _to hold her?

**Reimu: **(gasping) Take it. Take it away from me.

**Hatate: **Um... sorry, I'm still a little confused about the parentage of this thing.

**Reimu: **(hands baby to Jean brusquely) She's adopted, alright? Yukari gave her to me to raise as some sort of successor, and it's driving me insane.

**Hatate: **Hey, look, it's gone quiet now! Hey, Michel, you must be good with children!

**Jean: **My name is Jean...

**Hatate: **Awww... it's looking at me! Oh, who's a cute baby? You are, aren't you? Yes you are! Yes you are!

**Reimu: **If you love her so much, take her.

**Ran: **No! You can't take the gift of a child for granted! Um... I mean... uh... yeah, it'd be wrong to abandon her...

**Reimu: **Okay, okay, none of you understand. At all. Yukari did something to me. Altered the border between motherhood and non-motherhood, and now my breasts are swollen and leak milk, I feel tired and sick all the time, I have to have that little brat chew on said painful breasts with her stupid little gums, and it does nothing but _cry_! All the time! Awa! Awa! Awa!

**Dawitsu: **Well, I'm more than happy to take the load off if...

**Reimu: **SHUT UP! YOU'D RAISE IT TO BE A MORON!

**Hatate: **Oh, how can you think of this little cutie-pie as a moron? (holds the baby's hand) Oh, who's a little cutie? Who's a little cutie! Like, you are! You are! You're a super little cutie!

**Reimu: **About as cute as anything that soils itself regularly and has no problems dwelling in its own crap.

**Jean: **Can you stop being so negative?

**Marisa: **Yeah, we babysit for you, it's not like we don't get what you're going through...

**Reimu: **Does she suck _your _breasts?

**Marisa: **Um... no, but we have the equally awkward task of using bottles of your milk to feed her...

**Hatate: **Like, maybe now your breasts are bigger, you could be on one of our swimsuit editions! Like, you didn't even need to get pregnant, it's perfect!

**Reimu: **(slaps Hatate) Go to hell!

**Jean: **In fairness, that was inappropriate. Reimu is going through a lot at the moment.

**Reimu: **Understatement. Of. The century.

**Suika: **Hey! I have a good parenting idea! Why... just hear me out here... why don't... (guffaws a little) ...why don't you rub a little sake on the kid's gums, and make it sleep better?

**Reimu: **I have a better idea. (takes Suika's endless Sake Gourd) Bottoms up! (begins drinking)

**Hatate: **Hey, Reimu, should you be...

**Dawitsu: **My God, she's still downing that thing...

**Chen: **Can humans even do that and be okay?

**Ran: **No, Chen. They can't.

**Marisa: **Maybe I shouldn't have made that crack about Jean being the kid's father...

**Reimu: **(stops drinking) Aaaah! Have this back, Oni!

**Suika: **(takes gourd back) Thank you kindly!

**Hatate: **Reimu, are you okay?

**Reimu: **Not at the moment, but once the alcohol hits my head then... oh, there we are... I'm just dandy, thanks. Hey, Jean, give me the baby...

**Jean: **I'm not sure that's the best idea...

**Reimu: **I'm it's mummy, you're just its uncle. Remember, you didn't want to be her daddy because you prefer that bitch, Marisa!

**Marisa: **Did you just call me a bitch?

**Reimu: **Witch! Witch! I said witch! Now, give me the baby, Jean...

**Dawitsu: **Reimu, you're drunk, this is no time for you to be holding a baby.

**Hatate: **Like, I must agree wholeheartedly, like, you need to lie down.

**Reimu: **I'll lie down when I want! (takes baby by force) Ha ha... ha ha... oh, look, she's smiling... that means... hey, she hasn't smiled before! Woohoo! I got her first smile! I got her first smile! (a mild rumbling is heard) Damn.

**Hatate: **Um... what's just happened?

**Reimu: **Oh, she's just crapped herself. Guess that's why she smiled. Who's a little sadist? You are! You're a little sadist that's come to ruin my life! Yes you are!

**Dawitsu: **Her precious tone really conflicts with her words.

**Marisa: **Well done, Captain Obvious.

**Jean: **Isn't anyone going to stop her? She's drunk, holding a baby, and _angry _with that baby!

**Reimu: **I'm not angry with her... not her fault she's a baby! Heh heh... I guess she does do some good things. I orgasm a little bit whenever she's done feeding...

**Marisa: **Gross.

**Chen: **Too much information.

**Ran: **I can kinda see where she's coming from...

**Dawitsu: **RAN!

**Hatate: **Isn't that vaguely incestuous?

**Reimu: **She's not related to me! It happens to lots of mums, anyway... it's the only thing she gives me at the moment, so it's better than nothing.

**Jean: **This is incredibly awkward.

**Marisa: **Are all men this good at stating the painfully obvious?

**Reimu: **Oh, I guess I'll have to change her. I'll be one moment... (walks out of the room, slurring some kind of song)

**Suika: **What did I tell you? Alcohol solves everything!

**Hatate: **Like... how can Reimu hate that little cutie? What's wrong with her?

**Marisa: **Have you ever raised a child?

**Hatate: **Well, no, but...

**Marisa: **Then I think that, like us, you have no room to talk. (shouts are heard upstairs)

**Jean: **I'll be right there! (leaves the room in a rush)

**Hatate: **So... um... what's its name?

**Dawitsu: **I think it should be called Jackie. Jackie Hakurei, get it?

**Marisa: **You're not funny. I think they should name her after her cool Auntie Marisa. But then again... Marisa Hakurei, kinda sounds like what I'd be called if I married that crazy old miko...

**Hatate: **I... see. Has Reimu got any preferences?

**Suika: **I suggested calling her Sake. Then Wine, then Vodka. She then told me that she didn't want to me to suggest any names to her ever again...

**Reimu: **(returns holding baby with Jean) I'm back, everyone! Hooray! What are we talking about?

**Hatate: **Ah! Like, Reimu, what are you going to call this baby?

**Reimu: **Oh yeah, that. My... uh... mother... adopter... person was called Reimu, and her adopter before, and her before, so, I dunno, maybe Reimu? I kinda wanted to shake it up a little, though.

**Jean: **Patricia.

**Hatate: **Huh?

**Dawitsu: **Huh?

**Ran: **Huh?

**Suika: **Why is everyone saying 'huh'?

**Reimu: **Oh yeah, I forgot you suggested that... yeah, sure, the kid's name is Patricia. After your dead wife or something, isn't it, Jean?

**Jean: **No need to be so disrespectful about it...

**Reimu: **I'm... totally not being disrespectful! Patricia's a pretty name, a bit western, but oh well, whatever. How about that, my little sleep-depriving abomination? Do you like the name Patricia? (Baby makes a noise that, for once, isn't crying) Oh, look at that, she cooed. I guess Patricia it is...

**Dawitsu: **I still say Jackie Hakurei would have been a funny name...

**Hatate: **Like... I'm not sure whether I should leave at that, I mean... will Reimu be okay looking after this baby?

**Reimu: **I'll be fine! I've... fought nuclear powered crows, I've survived going to the Netherworld, I'll be fine... hey, Jean, take her for a bit, I'm gonna be sick. (hands baby to Jean, and subsequently vomits on Dawitsu)

**Dawitsu: **What the hell? This was the nicest copy of my suit!

**Hatate: **I... really wanna stay and help out. Are you sure everything will be okay?

**Marisa: **One way or another it'll work out. Although, I think she could do with sending the kid to her cool Aunty Marisa's more often.

**Reimu: **Oh... I need some water... (collapses)

**Hatate: **Well... um... I hope it all goes well. You never know, maybe the kid will see me around sometime, and I can say 'I saw you when you got your name!'

**Ran: **Honey... let's have a kid together...

**Dawitsu: **Experiencing _this _makes you _want _to have kids?

**Hatate: **I should go... uh... bye!

Like, in the end, I can kinda see why Reimu's all moody. A baby must be hard work. Like, in Tengu culture, the uncle or aunt raises children, while the parents provide minimal support, so, like, I imagine that Reimu is in a similar situation to a child-raising tengu. I mean, she never got to lay the egg, but yet she has to do all the hard work of raising the kid.

But still, it must be super cool to breast-feed! Like, we tengu pre-chew food for our little ones and spit it back out before we give it to them. Heh heh... like, Reimu gets off on feeding her kid... that's kinda funny.

Um, I mean, like, she's unfortunate. I hope that the child grows to be strong and heroic, just like her... um... mother? However, there's a question to be asked... like... who will solve all our incidents now? Marisa seems to want to help raise the kid with Reimu, so, like, who will save the day any more? Maybe Sakuya Izayoi can help out, I dunno.

Well, like, I hope that after reading this article, you totally want to go see the baby! But, like, don't bother Reimu too much. Just... give her presents, I dunno. Like, this is Hatate Himekaidou, saying... GO SEE THE TOTALLY CUTE BABY!

_Article written by Hatate Himekaidou_

**Present-day hindsight: **Okay, okay, I admit, this was a big one, and I was stupid to have missed such an opportunity. Young Patricia's shaping up to be quite a good girl nowadays. She... looks quite a lot like Reimu did at her age, though. I wonder... is Reimu lying about only adopting her? If so, I guess the true question is... HOW DID SHE HIDE HER PREGNANCY?

**Author's Note: **Hey there, it's been a while since I've done one of these. Just writing in to mention that, yes, some women _do _rather like breast-feeding, if you catch my drift. I got the idea from a confession on PostSecret, an anonymous secret-sharing site.


	21. Youkai of Darkness is traumatised!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Youkai of Darkness reveals that she is traumatised for life!**

Every now and then, a human will drift into Gensokyo by mysterious means, be it by the work of the Border Youkai, Yukari Yakumo, the Hakurei Shrine Maiden, Reimu Hakurei, or some other quirk of fate. The humans that enter Gensokyo tend to be powerless and will usually be eaten by the uncivilised youkai, the ones that think eating humans is not bullying to fellow sentient beings, but occasionally, they survive to live on in peace with the residents... before hitting on them, naturally.

Of course, I get hit on the most, but I don't like to brag. Anyhow, one of these uncivilised youkai is the Youkai of Darkness, Rumia... uh... I think her name is just 'Rumia', as far as I can remember. Anyway, while she seems to be on amicable terms with the likes of Reimu and Marisa, strong humans that have beaten her multiple times, she, once upon a time, would try to eat any humans that had just drifted into Gensokyo.

However, I was just traversing the border one fine day, when I found a lost human. Rumia soon appeared, as expected, however, instead of eating him, she simply ran away in fear. This behaviour was most confusing, so I decided to show the poor human the way to the Hakurei Border so he wouldn't die later, of course getting hit on in the process, and then followed Rumia's tracks to find her sitting in the foetal position against a tree.

Being a kind, loveable woman, I decided to comfort the poor savage in her time of need, and sat beside her to ask her a few questions... I also wrote down the conversation in interview form, but that doesn't mean I'm an amoral paparazzi! Here is how that went:

**Aya: **Hey... hey... what's wrong?

**Rumia: **I... I thought I could... I could... face my fears today... but...

**Aya: **What fears? I thought you liked to eat helpless outsiders because you're a bullying savage with very sharp teeth and no friends...

**Rumia: **(punches Aya in the face) SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!

**Aya: **Oh, look at that, my gums are bleeding...

**Rumia: **Go away! It's not important!

**Aya: **Well... it's just it's not like you at all to turn down human steak, rare...

**Rumia: **It's... it's not like I'm afraid of _all _humans, it's just outsiders. After... after...

**Aya: **I can understand you getting turned off by the taste of outsiders. Other savages tell me they taste a little smoky, and some of them are full of salt and fat...

**Rumia: **It's not the taste, you moron!

**Aya: **Wait... did... I just get called a moron by the Youkai of Darkness? Um... perhaps I need to rethink my life. I've got to go...

**Rumia: **No, no, stay! Okay... do you... do you promise not to tell anyone about this?

**Aya: **Well, I won't _talk to _anyone about this...

**Rumia: **Okay... it... it all happened years ago... when... when I... I tried to eat a human. I started with the arm, and then... and then...

**Aya: **What? What? This is all gold!

**Rumia: **...this really bitter, horrible taste filled my mouth...

**Aya: **I knew it! The human tasted terrible, and it put you off outsiders for life!

**Rumia: **For the last time, it wasn't an issue with taste! Anyway, I stopped eating into his arm because of...

**Aya: **...the taste!

**Rumia: **(sighs) ...yes, the taste. He then stopped looking in pain, and began to smile this horrible smile... and... and then...

**Aya: **HE REVEALED HE WAS A HOUSE YOUKAI!

**Rumia: **What?

**Aya: **What?

**Rumia: **Look, if you're not going to take this seriously, then...

**Aya: **No, no, I am. Go on.

**Rumia: **...thanks. I... began to float without me wanting to, and glowing chains wrapped around me, holding me in place so that I couldn't move...

**Aya: **I see! So, he hit on you? Humans that are into people who look like little girls are weird...

**Rumia: **SHUT UP! HE MADE ME HIS FAMILIAR!

**Aya: **...oh.

**Rumia: **It was horrible... he... made me do things...

**Aya: **...so he _did _like little girls!

**Rumia: **NO! NO! NO!

**Aya: **Is that what you said when...

**Rumia: **(punches Aya again)

**Aya: **Ow... is... is that a tooth?

**Rumia: **He used me to attack my friends! He made me kill Daiyousei!

**Aya: **But Daiyousei's a fairy, she'd just come back anyway...

**Rumia: **That's not the point!

**Aya: **Oh yeah, the whole attacking your friends thing. Yeah, that's kinda evil.

**Rumia: **_Kinda? _He then took me into the outside world and used me to terrorise the humans... I mean... I... I like to eat them, but what he was doing was...

**Aya: **Wow, so, this human, this powerless human, totally dominated you and made you his weapon? That's actually pretty awesome!

**Rumia: **And... and then... I... I don't want to say the rest because... because...

**Aya: **Spoilers?

**Rumia: **Um... yeah, actually. Wait, I mean... it's... uh, too traumatic.

**Aya: **It's okay. One last thing... what was this guy's name?

**Rumia: **...Corey.

**Aya: **Pfffff... gahahahahahaha! You had me going there! I honestly thought a human had traumatised you for life, but honestly, if you're gonna lie, at least make him have an intimidating name! Like Dark'ness Kitteneater McEvil, or something.

**Rumia: **(begins to tear up) But I'm telling the truth...

**Aya: **Um... Rumia... are you... are you okay? Have you got something in your eye, your laughing is starting to sound like crying...

**Rumia: **I... I... just leave me alone! (runs away from Aya, crying all the way)

In the end, I kinda think Rumia might have been telling the truth about the whole trauma, although... I wonder, how did Hatate and I miss this opportunity? I'm not so sure. I guess some things just... pass under our noses. We tengu have rather large noses, after all.

But still... we are the information centre of Gensokyo, what could have gone wrong? Perhaps that Rikako girl has been playing with her Retroactive Space-time Distortion Device again...

_Article written by Aya Shameimaru_

**Present-day hindsight: **Like, it is confusing, this case... how did we miss something as major as a youkai going missing from Gensokyo? That's... that's totally crazy! I think... I think it must have happened somewhere different to us, perhaps... whoa, just, like, hear me out... what if... there are infinite Gensokyos, and that Rumia came from a different one, and then came back into _our _Gensokyo, and this caused the old Rumia to disappear?

Like, it's quantum physics, my favourite form of Geography!


	22. Lizard Youkai founds Animal Centre!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Lizard Youkai founds Animal Rescue Centre for injured creatures!**

Like, in Mayohiga, things are totally strange. It's, like, on the border, yet it not, as you'd expect mostly populated by humans, but instead, populated by a load of animal youkai. There are, like, dogs, cats, squirrels, all sorts around there, and of course, the super-awesome Border Youkai herself, Yukari Yakumo.

But, like, this articles about just one of these animals, a lizard youkai named Hebiko, to be exact. At the tender age of two hundred and forty three, this young lizard has decided to do a totally kind and awesome deed... she's founded an animal rescue centre!

Oh, it's, like, so cool! She has a room full of feral cats, four dogs which she's nursed to health and has since adopted, several injured lizards, a breeding centre for an endangered bird of some sort... oh, oh, it's so cool! Like, I decided to visit the Animal Rescue Centre, because I totally wanted to adopt a pet and raise it to youkaihood! Like, here's how that went!

**Hatate: **Like, sorry for intruding!

**Hebiko: **Oh no, it's the paparazzi... wait... WATCH OUT FOR THE DOGS!

**Hatate: **(gets jumped on by a bull terrier, a wolf-like white dog, a shiba inu, and a mongrel of some sort) Ah! Like... aw, this shiba inu is adorable, like... ow! Can I... can I keep him?

**Hebiko: **Look at its underside. It's a her. And no, the dogs aren't to give away, they've become too attached to me, but feel free to adopt a cat.

**Hatate: **Are the rats up for adoption?

**Hebiko: **They're... um... they're just vermin.

**Hatate: **So, like... (the wolf-like dog jumps up, putting his paws on Hatate's shoulders and licking her face) ...hee hee! That tickles! Stop it! (pushes dog off) So, what's their names?

**Hebiko: **Um... the bull terrier is Edwin, the husky is Mishka, the shiba inu is Sakaki, and the mongrel is Shadow.

**Hatate: **Aren't you going to ask me why I'm here?

**Hebiko: **I imagine to make some half-readable article about how I am a crazy cat lady who still hasn't found her one true love and is instead moping around in her own self-hatred while occasionally writing books no-one else will ever read to distract myself from the fact that my existence is a worthless and empty one?

**Hatate: **Like... not quite. I mean, I _am _writing an article, but I'm mainly here so I can adopt a cute little animal of some sort. What animals are up for adoption?

**Hebiko: **(sighs) I guess I'd better show you around... (walks into a room full of cats) Here is the abandoned domestics room. Unlike the room full of feral cats, these cats will probably need taking care of forever, or get adopted, if you wish. I only take in feral cats that are injured, and release them when they are well, but domestics are helpless in the wild, yet people see fit to throw them onto the streets, alone and unloved, their lives a sad song of...

**Hatate: **Ooh, I like this tortoiseshell one! What's her name?

**Hebiko: **While you would normally be right to assume that the cat is female, this is actually a male tortoiseshell. The odds of this occurring is one in forty thousand, and so I named him 'Anomaly'.

**Hatate: **I think Fred's a better name! (cat begins to nudge Hatate's hand) Do you like that name? Oh, do you like that? Do you like that, Fred?

**Hebiko: **If you adopt him, you can call him whatever you...

**Hatate: **OH. MY. GODS. KITTENS!

**Hebiko: **Oh yeah, those. Their mother was a feral, she was found dead, with her clutch of kittens close by. I have to feed them a milk-like paste. I tried to convince a mother feral that had lost her kittens to feed them, but the adoption scheme failed, and...

**Hatate: **Can I keep them all?

**Hebiko: **Not until they're fully grown. They need to be weaned first.

**Hatate: **Oh... how long will that take?

**Hebiko: **They're two weeks now. Wait another six, and I think they'd be...

**Hatate: **...OH, THIS ONE IS ALL OLD AND FLUFFY!

**Hebiko: **When you feel like taking any of these cats' adoptions seriously, let me know, because I should be changing the bedding and litter for the animals, not listening to you squealing with glee.

**Hatate: **Like, don't go! You've only shown me one room! How did you get this building, anyway?

**Hebiko: **It's... my house. This rescue is my house.

**Hatate: **Oh, but like, where do you live?

**Hebiko: **Here. Like the lonely, crazy cat lady I was always destined to be. Let's go to the reptile section... (walks out of room, walks up some stairs and enters a room full of tanks containing lizards) Okay, wait here. (leaves the room)

**Hatate: **Like... okay... (looks at an iguana with curiosity) Ooh... what's your name? Why are you so still? I wonder what the light's for... oh, it looks like it's boiling. I think you could do with it being off for a little while...

**Hebiko: **(returns with a tank full of crickets) DON'T TURN OFF THAT LIGHT!

**Hatate: **Huh? Why not?

**Hebiko: **It's the incubating light! Lizards are cold-blooded, you know!

**Hatate: **So how come you don't have an incubator?

**Hebiko: **I'm wearing a hot water bottle under my top.

**Hatate: **Oh, I just thought you were fat... I mean, forget I said anything!

**Hebiko: **It's okay. Jibes about my body stopped hurting the same time that jibes about my lack of friends did.

**Hatate: **Um... okay. So, you rescue crickets too, I see...

**Hebiko: **Actually, they're food for the lizards.

**Hatate: **But... but... they're, like, still alive!

**Hebiko: **The lizards would grow to be weak if they didn't have to move around for their food. Cold-blooded creatures need a serious excuse to move away from basking, and live food is the perfect one. Hey, want to be useful? You can feed them, if you want.

**Hatate: **Like, I'm good...

**Hebiko: **Your loss. (places hand into cricket cage, grabs one with her bare hand, and throws it, still squirming, in through an opening of the iguana's tank, and the iguana quickly rushes to the cricket, snapping it up and swallowing it whole) Yes... yes... eat well, Bertrand the second...

**Hatate: **You... seem to like that iguana a lot.

**Hebiko: **Well, yes. I hope to keep him to youkaihood, unlike... another iguana from a while ago...

**Hatate: **I... see. So, like, why do you want to raise him to youkaihood?

**Hebiko: **It's so that...

**Hatate: **It's so you can have a younger boyfriend, isn't it?

**Hebiko: **(blushes) N-no, of course not, it'd be more of a mother-son relationship, I mean, what kind of girlfriend feeds her boyfriend and gives him a home?

**Hatate: **The ones with deadbeat boyfriends.

**Hebiko: **Touché. But I don't want a deadbeat boyfriend. I just want a youkai that I can say I rose from birth...

**Hatate: **But, like, what if when he reaches a hundred years old, and he's there, all sexy and cute, naked, I might add, and he's all like 'Thank you, Hebiko, for taking care of me. Now, allow me to return the favour' and then kisses you, don't say that you wouldn't...

**Hebiko: **You've been fantasising about raising an animal to youkaihood a little too much, methinks.

**Hatate: **So what if I have? Speaking of which, what kinds of birds do you rescue here?

**Hebiko: **Well, there's a breeding centre for the Japanese crested ibis, but other than that... there's a harris hawk with a broken wing, and a red kite with a missing claw. I'm teaching it how to perch one-legged. Anyway, you don't want to see that place, there's probably nothing you'd be...

**Hatate: **Take me there!

**Hebiko: **Okay, okay, just let me feed the other reptiles... (gives crickets to other sorts of lizards, gives a dead mouse to a snake, and a bed of cress to a tortoise) Now, before we see the bird section, I'd like to show you the feral cat section, where we keep...

**Hatate: **You said I can't adopt ferals, that you release them as soon as they're well, just show me the birds!

**Hebiko: **But if I do that, then...

**Hatate: **Just show me!

**Hebiko: **But there's nothing of interest to you...

**Hatate: **Like, what are you hiding?

**Hebiko: **Nothing! Okay, fine, come with me. (leaves room, walks across the upper landing to a room full of caged, calling birds) I wish I didn't have to keep them in cages, but some of these would kill each other if I did that...

**Hatate: **(looks at a hawk, then a buzzard, then a crow) YES! YES! A CROW! CAN I HAVE IT?

**Hebiko: **...I was hoping you wouldn't see that...

**Hatate: **But... but I... YAY! I want a crow! I want a crow to raise to youkaihood and... uh... be my child... um...

**Hebiko: **How old are you, like, a thousand? Do you have any idea how creepy that is? You're not adopting a crow to raise into your boyfriend.

**Hatate: **Like, I never said I was! You pervert, I knew that's why you wanted to raise that iguana!

**Hebiko: **What the hell are you talking about? Well, regardless, that crow's got an injured wing, it'll need to stay here for... (Hatate opens cage) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

**Hatate: **(holds arm out, lets it perch on her arm) Like, aren't you a cutie? Hey, Hebiko, where's the food?

**Hebiko: **(sighs) Fine, take the damn crow, you degenerate, gossip-mongering, slack-jawed pervert...

**Hatate: **Like, what does he eat? Dead stuff?

**Hebiko: **Yes. Take him for carrion hunts every day at around seven in the morning, and later at three in the afternoon. He may start cawing at dusk, because he wants a mate other to the creepy thousand-year-old tengu looking after him. If you can't cope with that, don't bother with him, but if you think you can handle it, I guess it's one less mouth to feed over here.

**Hatate: **Huh? How come you're not all... sad that he's leaving and stuff?

**Hebiko: **Look at the inside of his cage. It's covered in crap. I have to clean all that, and every other cage and litter pile. As well as somehow provide the food for all these animals. So, trust me, I'm not attached to most of these animals. Bertrand the second, Edwin, Mishka, Sakaki, and Shadow are exceptions, not the rule. Just take it. As long as you don't let it die, I'll happily give it up.

**Hatate: **Huh? So... he's mine? Okay! What's his name?

**Hebiko: **Corvus.

**Hatate: **That's totally lame! You can be Sebastian!

**Hebiko: **Whatever. You've got an animal, now get out of my house.

**Hatate: **Like, what have I done to offend you?

**Hebiko: **I guess I'm just somewhat jealous of your optimistic mind. Don't kill the bird. Please.

**Hatate: **I won't! See ya later!

And then I left with a crow! He's totally cool! His name's Sebastian, and he eats dead rats, and his wing's getting better all the time! The other day, he flew up to my arm and ate a morsel of chicken from my hand! It was only for like, a few seconds, but I'm so proud of him!

Hebiko may be a little bit sad, but she's a really nice girl for making that animal sanctuary. Although, I don't know why she's so upset about getting to take care of all those creatures. I mean, they're so cute! If I could lie down and be covered in kittens, I would, like, totally love it!

I think Hebiko's just a little bit of a grump, that's all. Perhaps if, like, those strange emotion manipulating Bear Youkai that are brightly coloured visited her house, they could cheer her up. I hear they care a lot about people who have lost hope...

_Article written by Hatate Himekaidou_

**Present-day hindsight: **Ugggh... this is why we type up our articles at my house. That bird is so annoying. It's _still _alive after thirteen years, which is making me think it could reach the magic hundred years. I hear regular crows can live up to fifty years, though, so maybe not.

Still... if after eighty or so years, Hatate comes to my house eating the face of a younger boyfriend, I'm going to annul our arrangement to work together...


	23. Introducing the Agony Aunt!

**Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives**

**Bunbunmaru Spirit News introduces the Agony Aunt!**

Hello, this is Byakuren Hijiri. We all know that every now and then, life doesn't quite go the way we want it to, and sometimes, one needs a person who they can talk to, without the fear that the knowledge of who they are will be used against them. That's why, after much urging of the head reporters of the newspaper, I have set up an Agony Aunt, where people can send their concerns about their life anonymously and I will do my best to help them with their worries, and calm their troubled minds.

I tried to make Myouren... er, Jean help with the responses too, but he said that if I should get an alternate Agony Aunt, I should make it a non-Buddhist, so ultimately, I am the only one able to do this. Please remember that I am but one person, and that no matter how much of a saviour others may consider me, I am still flawed, and may not give perfect advice. With that said, let's see what the first set of people sent!

_Dear Agony Aunt,_

_I keep wanting to set fires, and no-one else wants to set fires as much as I do. They don't seem to like forest fires, even though they're a magnificent sight to behold. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with me, so... why doesn't the rest of the world like fire as much as me? What is this world coming to?_

**Agony Aunt:** Um... well, humans have always had a fascination with fire. Word is that when humans first discovered fire, that is when they began to develop to what they are today. Fire is an important part of humanity's history, and of course, we wouldn't have cooked meat and all the delicious meals that go with it without fire.

That said... even if you are human, and not youkai, you may want to tone down your obsession a touch. Fire, when out of control, can kill people. You could even end up killing yourself if you're not careful, although, if you're who I think you are, that's probably no concern to you. But just think of other people. Some people are afraid of fire. It would be for the best if you just... change yourself rather than wishing for others to change.

_Dear Agony Aunt,_

_A reporter keeps following me. You probably know which one. Anyway, she keeps calling me 'super cute' and looking at me through my window. I've dealt with obsessive... um... appreciators of my profession before, but I think she's obsessing with me on a personal level. Thankfully, one of my... co-workers keeps shooing her away, but it's kinda creepy._

**Agony Aunt: **Stalkers are, unfortunately, something that I have never had to deal with, although occasionally I get an overzealous follower of mine telling me that they're my biggest fan, but otherwise, I can't speak from personal experience about what to do.

If the reporter in question is not a dangerous woman, then you could always try to reason with her. Let her down gently that you do not like what she is doing, and perhaps she will leave you alone. Although, I know two reporters myself... she may be rather persistent if she's anything like the reporters I work with. In that case, I suggest doing something that I consider a last resort- engaging them in a danmaku battle, and if you win, she leaves you alone.

Just be sure that you win, because she may make you her lover by force if you lose. Although... no, she wouldn't do that, not Ha... um, I don't think your stalker is the sort to force you to be her girlfriend, but just be careful not to lose. Ideally, avoid violence altogether.

_Dear Agony Aunt,_

_How does it feel to be treating inhuman monsters that eat humans as redeemable creatures, preaching your lies every day so that humans begin to trust these monsters and will eventually pay the price with their lives while you sit, meditating in your temple and telling their grieving families that the reason their beloved family member was eaten was because he didn't believe in the inherent goodness of youkai enough?_

**Agony Aunt: **Ah, Miko. Care to discover a full stop at some point? You can submit a letter with more than one sentence, you know. Tell me, Miko, why did you ask me this, here? Is it to gain faith for your dying Taoist cult? All this does is make you look petty, and Seiga Kaku is doing a good enough job adding to that reputation as it is.

I agree with you that not all youkai are inherently good. Some youkai are evil, and kill humans and even other youkai without any regret whatsoever. I would even agree with you to the point of thinking that a select few of these youkai are unforgivable. However, some of these youkai with bad karma _can _change their ways, and I aim, not to convince humans that youkai are redeemable, but make formerly evil youkai change their ways and convince humans themselves that they are redeemable. I reform both humans and youkai, I do not discriminate, which is more than can be said for you.

In future, Miko, stay out of diplomacy. Talk of the results of your endeavours all you like, but I am the one who has the most friends in this fight.

_Dear Agony Aunt,_

_My baby won't shut up. It cries. All the time. I hate it. I genuinely hate the thing I'm supposed to look after. I don't know what to do, I feel so evil for hating it, yet I can't bring myself to love it either. It's just... there, crying, all the time. I never sleep. I barely eat. I look a mess, and everyone pities me, forgetting who I am and what I can do..._

**Agony Aunt: **I'm sorry to hear that. But remember, this crying baby _will _grow up, and this _will _pass. And if you bring yourself to love the child, then perhaps it'll grow up to be a good person, one with the selfless values that you will exercise in taking care of the child.

And if she does grow to be a good person, who knows, she may help you when you're too weak to survive for yourself. In humans, the cycle of care comes around in time. I presume you're human, at least.

_Dear Agony Aunt,_

_My wife is... well, she's fantastic. Seriously, she's dutiful, loves me to pieces, is always happy to see me, and really wants to have children with me some day, but... well, I fear that I may not be able to have kids. I think there's something wrong with me. I love her, I really do, but I don't think I can give her the one thing she wants the most..._

**Agony Aunt: **It is strange, isn't it? One person loathes a situation another person wants more than anything else in the world.

Do not worry, my friend. If you are unable to have children, look to your surroundings. Perhaps you have family that you do not know are family. Especially with the cycle of reincarnation being in full effect the world over, there could be reincarnated family members in places you never knew.

However, I also talk on a much more metaphorical level. Is there someone that both of you care for, and treat like a person you are raising? If there is, perhaps this person is the child you already have. Sometimes, the closest children are the ones not carried within one's womb.

My congregation are my children, for example. Nazrin, Ichirin, Murasa, Shou, even Nue, who is sort of like my rebellious teenage daughter, are my children. We share no blood, but we are family, whether they know it or not. I hope this helps you.

_Dear Agony Aunt,_

_My big sister is starting to scare me. A friend of ours moved away from our house years ago, and she is really coming to miss her. She's reading a lot of books, just like her friend would, and has even taken her former personal servant as her own, and spends all her time in the mansion library._

_However, she never wants to leave the house to visit the friend who moved away, she always waits for her to visit them, and when she does, she behaves as if she never truly misses her, and I think she's starting to become obsessed, not with the person herself, but the idea of that person. Please reply, I don't know what I can do to help her._

**Agony Aunt: **Your sister is probably just confused about what her feelings towards this friend of hers were and are. She might have never shown affection to her while she still lived with her, but noticed how much she enjoyed her company when she actually had to cope without her.

Yet, if she is the sort to never show affection openly in the first place, then she may also go into denial if she is ever asked about how much she likes the person, or if she is expected to act in an affectionate manner to the person when she visits.

I think your sister's behaviour is ordinary for an aloof friend that secretly cared for her friend, and you should simply let her go through her phase and come out the other side with minimal disturbance. Also... keep strong, you're doing much better than you ever were before. Even if the reader doesn't know who you are, I do, and I'm impressed with your progress.

That's all the letters I've received for the time being, and I hope that I've provided adequate answers to the people who wrote into this service. Also, remember, if you want a less anonymous, more personal form of counselling, I am always available at the Myouren Temple, and will share the burden of any weight your mind bears.

_Article written by Byakuren Hijiri_

**Present-day Hindsight: **Ha! Hatate was totally busted! I knew she was a crazy stalker girl! I know that gaining an insight into people's lives is part of reporting, but it's not like I follow people around or intrude on their personal lives. I mean, that's just unprofessional.


End file.
